April 20

Quote of the Week

"All unhappiness is the result of comparison."

When I was in my disease, I had a very skewed sense of perception. Rather than think about the things I did have, I was constantly comparing myself to what others had that I didn’t. As I drove along Pacific Coast Highway, I’d look at all the homes on Malibu Beach and envy and resent the people who had such wonderful lives. At restaurants, I’d see couples enjoying a romantic dinner, and I’d feel sorry for myself alone at the bar. I was constantly comparing myself to what I didn’t have, and as I did, what little happiness I did have slipped through my hands like sand in a sieve.

Before I attended my first meeting, my best friend made a recommendation to me. He told me to look for the similarities and not the differences. He knew how critical and judgmental I was and knew that if I focused my magnifying mind on the differences, then I wouldn’t stay. This was sage advice. As I listened for the similarities, I stopped comparing and began identifying. Once I learned that most of us felt less than and that comparing ourselves to other people, places, and things was just another way that alcoholism fed our discontent, I found a solution.

The gratitude list is a tool in my spiritual tool kit that gets used often. Recognizing that my mind automatically seeks the negative, I use it to be restored to sanity. Whenever I’m feeling less than, or when I begin comparing myself to others, I stop and make a written or mental list of twenty-five things for which I’m grateful. These include my health, my sobriety, my awareness of and relationship to my Higher Power, my beautiful marriage, and all the other things I have, including my ability to dream and have goals again. When I’m done counting my blessings, I’m also done comparing. And once I realize how much I do have, my happiness returns.

April 27

Quote of the Week

"It’s okay to look back. Just don’t stare."

A few weeks ago, my brother published a memoir about the early years of our family’s life in this country; we emigrated from England in the late 1950s. It tells the story of the rapid and painful breakup of our family due to my father’s alcoholism, and there are some harrowing scenes that were painful for me to read. When I finished the book, I was pretty shaken up, but after a few days I felt myself again. I was grateful for this and remembered that it wasn’t always this way.

Before recovery I was lost in the resentment, fear, and misunderstanding of my upbringing. I spent many years secretly wishing it had been different, and many more hating what had happened and what had been done to me. When I looked back on it, I would dwell on the wrongs that had been done, and the loathing I had for “them” soon turned into the self-loathing of my own alcoholism. Without recovery, it surely would have destroyed me as it had my family.

Through recovery, I have learned to sift through my past to find the lessons and even the gifts it has to offer. I know now that my upbringing and my experiences allow me to help others in a way that no one else can. This is one of the miracles of recovery. Today, I don’t have to relive my past, but I don’t have to shut the door on it either. Today, I know that it’s okay, and even valuable, to look back—as long as I don’t stare.

May 4

Quote of the Week

"Overheard at a meeting: ‘How are you?’ ‘Probably a lot better than I think.’"

This quote resonated deeply with me when I first heard it. What an accurate and appropriate way to answer a question I get asked so many times a day. And isn’t it true? Most of the time I walk around with a completely different picture of how I’m doing and what’s going on in my life. For years my disease distorted the thoughts I had about my life versus the reality of it. It’s no wonder I drank so much.

When I got sober, my thinking wasn’t completely restored to sanity. In fact, this quote reminds me that my thoughts are still driven by the disease of alcoholism. Even today, my head rarely tells me the truth; instead, it’s busy painting dark scenarios and building cases for why and how things won’t work out. It’s always planning a way and a reason for me to drink.

And that is why, even after many years in recovery, I still go to meetings and work the Steps. I’ve been told that while I’m sleeping, alcoholism is doing push-ups in the closet. It keeps me discontented and craving a drink. And the road to that ruin is still my distorted thinking. Today, I use the tools I have to stay spiritually fit. Today, I focus clearly on how good my life really is, and when asked how I’m doing, I realize that things are a lot better than I think.

May 11

Quote of the Week

"In recovery there are no losers, just slow winners."

I remember being in early recovery and feeling bad because I felt it wasn’t working. I’d tell my sponsor about it, and I can still hear him saying, “You’re exactly where you should be, and that’s exactly what you should be feeling right now.” At first, I thought he was just handing me a line, but after a while I believed him and learned to trust in the slow progress I was making in recovery.

Years later, I’d hear other newcomers complain about how bad they felt and about how terrible a day they were having. I can still hear the old-timers ask them if they had a drink that day. “No,” they would respond. “Then no matter how bad you think you’re doing, when you lay your head on your pillow tonight, you’re a winner.” It was comforting to hear that back then, and it still is today.

Now that I’ve been in sober awhile, I understand the wisdom in today’s quote. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through in recovery or how you feel. The fact that you are in recovery, that you have a program, and that you are developing or improving your conscious contact with a Power greater than yourself means that you’re a winner. You may feel like a loser sometimes, but more often, and in the long run, you’ll live a life filled with the joys and miracles of recovery.

May 18

Quote of the Week

"When I’m filled up with me, there is no room for God."

This quote reminds me of the story of a novice who once met with a Zen master for tea. As the novice went on and on about everything he thought he knew about the practice and meaning of Zen, the master just kept pouring tea into his cup until it overflowed onto the tray. The master then just kept pouring. Finally, shocked, the novice stopped talking and asked the master why he continued pouring when the cup was obviously full. The master replied, “You are like the cup. Your mind is so full of ideas and preconceptions that I cannot pour anything new into it.” The master then stood up and left.

When I got into recovery, I was also a novice. In the beginning, I was so full of my own selfish ideas, needs, and demands that I couldn’t take in much recovery. The best I could do was to stay sober one day at a time. Thankfully, this was enough for me to realize that I didn’t have all the answers, and by continuing to come to meetings, I became humble enough to listen and learn a new way of life. By working the Steps, I was slowly able to empty myself of me, which created room for God to come into my life.

Today, it’s still easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life, my old ideas, and silly demands. What saves me—what always works to empty myself of me—is to work with others. As soon as I get together with a sponsee or with someone else at a meeting, I am instantly emptied of ego, and God rushes into that void. Suddenly I become calm, useful, and genuinely concerned with helping somebody else. And it is in this state that the miracle of recovery takes place. They say Alcoholics Anonymous is simply one drunk taking to another, and that is the simple truth and power of the program. It all starts by emptying myself of me and allowing in God and others.

May 25

Quote of the Week

"Sit down, shut up, and listen."

When I was brand-new to the program, I had a lot to share. I liked going to participation meetings because I thought you needed to hear what I thought I knew about drinking, and even about regaining control. I didn’t buy that alcoholism was a disease, and I harbored the belief that as soon as I got things settled down, I could probably resume drinking more moderately. Finally, my sponsor pulled me aside and gave me a suggestion.

He told me, as nicely as he could, that for the time being I might want to listen more, rather than share. He suggested that the people in the rooms could do something I never could—stay sober and happy for many years. He told me that if I wanted what they had, then perhaps I should listen to their experience and take the actions they took. He encouraged me to share my thoughts and feelings with him, one on one, but at meetings he essentially suggested I sit down, shut up, and listen.

Once I became willing to take things in, I started making better progress in my recovery. As I began working the Steps, I found I really needed the experience, strength, and hope I heard from others in meetings. After a while, I began sharing again, but I was taught to only share my experience on a topic, not my opinion. By following the early direction I was given, I have been granted the gift of recovery. And it all started by sitting down, shutting up, and listening.

June 1

Quote of the Week

"But by the grace of God, there go I."

In early sobriety I sometimes had trouble identifying with other people’s alcoholism, and often wondered whether I belonged. After all, I had never been to prison for manslaughter while driving drunk. I never robbed a liquor store in a blackout or woke up in a different state—or country—not knowing how I got there. There were countless other things that had never happened to me either. As I discussed this with my sponsor, he said I hadn’t experienced these things—yet.

As I started working the Steps and writing inventories, I began to see what he meant. First of all, I actually had crashed a car while drunk, and I had been arrested for it when I was a minor. Thankfully, I hit an unoccupied parked car, and no one in my vehicle was injured. Other inventories revealed plenty of times I blacked out and came to in strange circumstances. As I looked deeper, I identified more with the stories I heard, and I felt the gravity of the word “yet.”

Today, I know my stories could have ended very differently if I had continued drinking, and any of the outcomes I heard others share could easily have been my fate as well. Moreover, I also know that any of these terrifying endings could be in my future also—they are only one drink away. Today, when I see or hear these stories, I say a quiet prayer of gratitude, for I know that “but by the grace of God, there go I."

June 8

Quote of the Week

"Anger is one letter away from danger."

When I came into the program, I was so angry, but I didn’t realize how much. For years I had used drugs and alcohol to numb my feelings, to manage and hide them. When my temporary solutions were taken away, my anger quickly turned to rage, and I soon found that I had turned much of this rage inward. In fact, today I still believe that a core characteristic of alcoholism is deep self-loathing.

Thank God for recovery. By working the Twelve Steps I learned how to forgive others and myself and take responsibility for my part. I also learned how to surrender to a Power greater than myself. Slowly, I began to release a lot of the regret and resentment that made up a great deal of my rage. And once the rage dissipated, I actually had the ability to choose healthier ways of dealing with my feelings.

But I still get angry sometimes. These days I’ve learned that when I do get angry, I’m still in danger of turning it inward and acting in self-destructive ways. I’m quick to isolate and grow depressed, to tell someone off and create resentments, or even to eat too much and go back into self-loathing. Thankfully, I have learned to acknowledge and deal with my anger before it turns into rage. Today, I realize that anger is one letter away from danger, and I use my program to stay out of harm’s way.

June 15

Quote of the Week

"I have a God-shaped hole."

For most of my life I have felt an emptiness in my core. As a child I tried to fill this emptiness with constant TV watching or pigging out on candy, and so on. When I discovered alcohol and drugs, I devoured both, trying to fill the void I felt. When I began my professional career, I used the money I made to fill the hole by buying cars, clothes, and other material items. The horrible thing is that nothing worked. No matter how much I ate or drank or bought, the desperate feeling of emptiness never went away.

When I entered recovery, I began hearing others talk about a similar hole they felt as well. I heard familiar tales of obsessive use and abuse of alcohol and other things, all in an attempt to fill that hole. No matter how much or in what combination they tried, nothing worked. Everyone still felt irritable, restless, and discontented. I heard many people say that they felt like others were given the operating manual to life, but they didn’t get one. I felt that same way for most of my life, too.

As I made my way through the Twelve Steps, my feeling of emptiness began to subside. The deeper into the journey I ventured, the more my hole seemed to get filled. The closer I got to my Higher Power, the more centered and fulfilled I became. As I talked to others about this, I was told that all my life I had a God-shaped hole, and that I had been trying to fill it with the wrong things. Only a surrender and connection to God could ever fill the emptiness I felt. As I poured His love and light into my life, I felt whole for the first time. Today, I know that I have a God-shaped hole, and only continued conscious contact will keep me whole and happy.

June 22

Quote of the Week

"I can prove the world is a miserable place."

As I approached my bottom, I perfected the art of negative thinking. Fueled by the disease of alcoholism, my mind searched for and found the reason my life sucked, and then proved to me that it was never going to get better. It then went on to confirm why the whole world was such a miserable place, what with the wars, the suffering children, the crooked politicians, special-interest groups, and more. At the end of my drinking, it didn’t matter if I lived or escaped the whole mess.

I didn’t have much hope that sobriety would change my life for the better. I thought that even if I did manage to stay sober, I would still have all my problems, the world would still be a mess, and I still had more proof of the negative than the positive. I acquired some invaluable tools, though, as I began working the Steps. I learned to focus on just today, just this moment, and to stay out of the future. I learned to be a positive influence in the lives of others by helping them and giving of myself. And most of all, I learned how to develop a relationship with a Higher Power.

Fast-forward now to many years of recovery. The world is still a mess, I still have problems in my life, but something has changed—and the change is within me. Today, my internal landscape is based on the spiritual ideals of the Twelve Steps, and today, I seek to be a channel of God’s grace. Today, I look for the good in people, places, and things, and because of that, I have a choice of what kind of proof I gather—and I know that there is plenty of good in the world as long as I’m willing to recognize it.

June 29

Quote of the Week

"A mistake is only a mistake when I don’t learn from it."

It was hard making the same mistakes over and over. Each new relationship ended just like the last one, and after a while I just resigned myself to being single the rest of my life. Same thing with jobs. Each new, exciting opportunity ended like the last disappointment, and soon I was unemployed again, searching through the Sunday classified ads. As each area of my life crashed and burned, I finally had to admit the unmanageability of it all, and I surrendered.

When I finally reached Step Four of the program and learned about the first three columns of the Fourth Step inventory, I finally thought I would be vindicated. Now I could list what others had done to me and assign the proper blame for the failure of my life. And that is when my sponsor sprung the mysterious fourth column on me—my part. What at first seemed a gross insult—“What do you mean my part? Look at what they’ve done to me!”—soon turned out to be the key to my freedom and recovery.

What I learned is that it was my character defects that were truly the cause of my repeated suffering. For as long as I was unwilling to change how I behaved, my life would remain unmanageable. I learned that when I finally admitted and corrected my part, that was when I could begin learning from the mistakes I was making and move past them. Today, when something doesn’t go my way, I am quick to look at my part and to see where I have been at fault. Doing so allows me not only to learn from it but also to avoid repeating it in the future.

July 6

Quote of the Week

"I would love to, but I need to talk to my sponsor first."

While I was in my disease, I listened to my own best thinking, and you can imagine where that got me. Time and time again I’d follow one “good idea” with another, until I was in so much trouble I didn’t know what to do. And that’s when I’d think of the best idea ever, and I’d act on it. After a while, the only thing worse than my problems were my solutions to them!

When I entered the program, my sponsor constantly asked me if I had any good ideas left. Plenty, I told him. “Make sure and run your thinking by me first then,” he said. When I objected to this, he reminded me that my best thinking was what had gotten me into the rooms. As I followed his direction, and as he walked me through the inevitable consequences of my thinking, I began to see the wisdom of his advice.

What is so interesting to me now is that even with years in recovery, my thinking remains much the same. It is still driven by the disease of alcoholism and automatically defaults to self-will and self-seeking. Because of this, I’ve found that the same advice I was given in the beginning of sobriety remains true for me today. I should still run my “good ideas” by my sponsor first.

July 13

Quote of the Week

"The problem with isolating is that you get such bad advice."

By the end of my drinking, I was all alone. Unlike some of the stories I hear about people drinking in bars, I preferred to drink alone in my home. My friends were gone, my family wasn’t inviting me over, and it was just me and my alcohol. After months of listening to my own best thinking, I had run out of options and was at the end of my rope. By some miracle, I was able to reach out for help, and my journey in recovery began.

While I have worked the Twelve Steps several times over the years and labored hard to turn my character defects over to God, I still find that my default mode is to isolate. I stay in, turn off my phone, and binge-watch movies I’ve seen a hundred times. When I do, I am cut off from others and from my Higher Power, and that’s when my best alcoholic thinking starts again. What I’ve learned is that it never has anything good to say.

Today, I do the things I learned to do early in sobriety to keep from isolating: I have a sponsor, I get commitments at meetings, and I say yes when asked to participate. I also answer the phone these days and am willing to help another. In other words, I continue to take contrary action because, as they say, “An alcoholic’s best thinking treats loneliness with isolating.” And when I’m isolating, the advice I get is all bad.

July 20

Quote of the Week

"Each morning if I don’t address my alcoholism, then alcoholism will address me."

It is so easy for me to forget I have alcoholism. I can go along for a few days not attending meetings and not praying or meditating each morning, but if I do, alcoholism quickly takes over. Soon I am irritable, restless, and discontented. Sometimes I don’t make the connection right away, but then I remember that I haven’t done anything to address my alcoholism. And I remember what I once heard in a meeting: day and night alcoholism is getting stronger, and it is just waiting for me to relax so it can take control again.

One of the most important things I learned in the program is that it is alcoholism, not alcoholwasim. Regardless of how much distance I have put between my last drink and today, alcoholism is alive and well and is still whispering in my ear. My sobriety is still a daily reprieve from this devastating disease based on my spiritual condition in any given moment. What I need to do today, even after years of continuous sobriety, is the same thing I had to do on day one—treat my disease.

I have learned many ways of treating my alcoholism, but one of the most important is to start my day by practicing prayer and meditation. By spending some time in the morning with my Higher Power, I am able to feed my spirit, turn my will and my life over, and establish conscious contact with God. By doing so, I maintain my spiritual condition and gain the strength I need to resist the subtle yet steady current of my disease. Today, I continue to address alcoholism each morning before it addresses me.

July 27

Quote of the Week

"It is the mosquitoes that will chase me out of the woods, not the bears!"

It’s amazing how I intuitively know how to handle the big things. A few weeks ago, my brother and his wife, who live right around the corner from me, came home from vacation to find their home had been robbed. At 2 AM they pounded on my door, waking me up from a dead sleep. I sprang into action getting them access to the Internet to check their accounts, calming them down, and helping in any way I could. If only I could handle the little things as easily . . .

Last week, I noticed my kitchen faucet had come loose from the sink. Each time I turned it on, it wiggled back and forth, and I couldn’t decide what to do about it. I looked underneath and there didn’t seem to be any way to tighten it, and I didn’t want to spend $200 on a plumber to fix it. I quickly began to obsess on it, and as soon as it started dripping, I was at my wit’s end!

Even though the little things can still paralyze me and leave me feeling helpless, thank God I have a program that has taught me what to do. I’ve learned to reach out to others and find someone who has experience with what I’m going through. I now know that I don’t have to fix everything at once; rather, I just have to take the next indicated action. And most of all, I’ve learned how to ask for help. Today, with the guidance of the program, I know how to handle both the big and the little things.