October 16

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time-out and it's okay to go back as a different person.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family.

Today's reading is from the book The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency*

October 17

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

~T. S. Eliot

In nearly every endeavor of human existence, it is abundantly clear that achievement is only to be gained at the cost of conscious, consistent effort.

Successful business people put meticulous detail into the operation of their businesses. Marathon runners daily extend themselves while keeping close track of times, distances, and the subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages their bodies send them. Repeatedly, we have told our children some version of the truth, "If you are not willing to pay your dues, you cannot expect success." The same is true with the most important of all human achievements: personal growth.

Yet when we look at the decimated effects of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, more often than not what we demand are instant rewards with little effort. Let us remember the marathon runner out slogging through the miles. We must be willing to work if we are to win this most important of all events.

Knowing I'm not responsible for outcomes focuses energy on the footwork for which I am responsible.

Today's reading is from the book Days of Healing, Days of Joy: Daily Meditations for Adult Children*

October 18

When I am alone, I feel like a day-old glass of water.

~Diane Wakoski

Being alone can be like water without bubbles. It's a little flat. It's a little boring. If we're staying away from people to avoid conflicts, then we need to be especially careful. We can easily develop a bad case of "Stinking thinking" if we sit by ourselves too long.

That's why we don't go it alone for more than a day. It's good to touch base with other people for at least a few minutes every day. Human contact keeps the waters of life moving, fresh and sparkling. When we share what we are thinking and talk it over with others, it's like refilling with fresh water.
Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, keep me fresh by giving me an active life filled with good people.
Today's Action

Today I will think of one new idea I got by talking with someone else over the past twenty-four hours. I will keep my mind fresh today by listening and talking with others.

Today's reading is from the book God Grant Me: More Daily Meditations from the Authors of Keep It Simple*

October 19

Doubt is not a pleasant state but certainty is a ridiculous one.

~Voltaire

In recovery it is easy to become too sure of ourselves. We talk things over in the group, fix our boundaries, have a period of abstinence, and then think we can just experiment a little … just once … to prove we are still "in control."

Pride comes before a fall, indeed. And pride is often simply the certainty that we are always right. We become grandiose in our excessive sureness, and then we have slips that frighten us and threaten our recovery.

There is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of doubt. There are lots of things we're not sure of, and we can admit them honestly. Doubt can be a way of arriving at the truth and is a good antidote to overconfidence.

I see the danger of pride, and I am taking the steps to move ahead in my recovery.

Today's reading is from the book Answers in the Heart

October 20

Positive Outlook

Flying is largely a matter of having the right outlook.

~E.B. White

We may not make it if we don't have the outlook that success is within our reach if we practice the principles of our program. Nobody believed that it would ever be possible for man to fly. Then the Wright brothers proved that it could be done. What was said to be impossible was there to be achieved.

Naturalists have proved for centuries that the bumblebee technically can't fly. But the bumblebee doesn't know that, so it continues to amaze them by flying.

A positive outlook is necessary if we are to make our program fly. When we lose that positive outlook, we lose hope and crash. Optimism means letting go of worry about the future. The future is in the hands of our Higher Power, and there's no better place for it to be.

With a positive outlook, I can accomplish success in my recovery program. Without it, I'm going nowhere.

Today's reading is from the book Easy Does It: A Book of Daily Twelve Step Meditations*

October 21

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

~Marcus Tullius Cicero

Lack of gratitude is a sure sign we've forgotten how far we've come from where we were, and who's responsible. When we start feeling good, begin accomplishing things, and even find ourselves admired by others, we may think not only do we deserve this, we earned it. We think we’re hot stuff.

Well, sure we are. All of us are hot stuff. If we enjoy respectability, if we are an inspiration to others, if we're in a position of service, it's because God put us there. With our cooperation, and through the love of our friends in the program, God has changed our life. Now we have the opportunity, by sharing that love, to let God change others. Our gratitude acknowledges God's handiwork in all of this. It gives credit where it's due.

Today I am thankful for the progress I've made, and I'm grateful that I know who to thank.

Today's reading is from the book In God's Care: Daily Meditations on Spirituality in Recovery*

October 22

Time and again I have searched for you, not knowing that it was me I needed to find.

~Betty MacDonald

We may have spent many years looking for the partner who would complete our lives. We were certain that happiness was guaranteed when the search culminated in the perfect selection. How tragic it seems when we discover that happiness still eludes us. The search, coupled with the belief that someone else is our ticket to happiness, has led us down many dark alleys.

We are learning now that finding our true self offers us the wholeness we thought would come from our attachment to another person. The Steps will guide our self-discovery. Through the Steps, the meetings we attend, and the friends we make, we'll find our real self. Knowing her fully, accepting her completely, will fill the void we thought only another person could fill.

I will pay attention to who I am today. I will honor the whole of me. I know genuine happiness can be found only in this way.

Today's reading is from the book A Woman's Spirit: More meditations for Women*

October 23

Forgiveness ought to be like a canceled note, torn in two and burned up, so that it can never be shown against the man.

~Henry Ward Beecher

When we have been hurt or offended, we naturally have strong feelings about it. Sometimes we want to leap to forgiveness as a cover for our wounds because we fear the damage to the relationship. In that case, forgiveness comes too soon, before we even let ourselves know what we feel. More often, our ego has been bruised and, primitively, it wants revenge. But it is we who carry those angry feelings and nurse our negative inner world. And it is we who must find a way to live in a more positive state of mind.

Some of our angers and resentments may be decades old. No repayment can ever settle the account. Maybe we didn't get what we needed from our parents, or a former spouse treated us badly, or a co-worker or boss was unnecessarily harsh. We can lighten our burden by simply tearing up the unpaid debt. In a spiritual sense, we can leave the other guy's conscience to him and his maker. By declaring old debts forgiven, we are free to live in the present as happier, better men.

Today, I will strive to let go of old resentments so I can live more fully in the present.

Today's reading is from the book Stepping Stones: More Daily Meditations for Men*

October 24

AA Thought for the Day

How good a sponsor am I? When I bring new members to a meeting, do I feel that my responsibility has ended? Or do I make it my job to stay with them until they have either become good members of AA or have found another sponsor? If they don't show up for a meeting, do I say to myself: "Well they’ve had it put up to them, so if they don't want it, there’s nothing more I can do"? Or do I look them up and find out whether there is a reason for their absences or that they don't want AA? Do I go out of my way to find out if there is anything more I can do to help? Am I a good sponsor?
Meditation for the Day

"First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift to God." First I must get right with other people, and then I can get right with God. If I hold resentment against someone, which I find it very difficult to overcome, I should try to put something else constructive into my mind. I should pray for the one against whom I hold the resentment. I should put that person in God’s hands and let God show him or her the way to live. "If a man say 'I love God' and hateth his brother, he is a liar, for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?"
Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may see something good in every person, even one I dislike, and that I may let God develop the good in that person.

Today's reading is from the book Twenty-Four Hours a Day: A Spiritual Resource with Practical Applications for Daily Life*

October 25

Sometimes it takes a rainy day just to let you know, everything's gonna be alright.

~Cris Williamson

Rainy days let us slow down. We are busy people, driving ourselves to go places and get things done. But rain seems to slow life down, even in our hearts. And slowing down can show us the peace in our lives, the peace of knowing we have all we need right inside us. The pressures of the world can drop away for a time while we reflect.

As the rain soaks into the ground, its serenity enters our hearts. Leaves on trees begin to look more green. Plants and flowers are no longer thirsty. When we slow down, we can be comforted by what we have in our hearts, knowing everything is going to be all right.

What comfort can I find within myself right now?

Today's reading is from the book Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families*

October 26

There is no healing without forgiveness. I love the peace I feel with forgiveness.

~Helen Casey

The program is helping us understand that when we feel resentful or angry, we are hindering our own recovery as well as our Higher Power’s plan for us. We cannot receive God’s full message if we are trapped by our hateful feelings.

Why would we want to continue our agitation toward someone else, particularly when it means we can feel no peace? The answer lies in our struggle to be “right” in every situation. Being right rather than peaceful remains too important to us. But observing women who are serene will enlighten us about the possibilities for change the program promises. These possibilities can be ours if we change our attitude, develop the willingness to let go of past hurts, and live in a forgiving present.

It may sound difficult to live in a forgiving present, but it’s not. We make the decision and then ask God to help us. Our hearts will heal and our resentments will be gone. Peace can become our permanent companion.

Serenity is my goal today; forgiveness of others is the way I can achieve my goal.

Today's reading is from the book A Woman's Spirit: More meditations for Women*

October 27

A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows full well he will never sit.

~D. Elton Trueblood

Our lives are enriched by the contributions of those who lived before us. Many men and women gave more than they ever took from society, and now we enjoy the rewards. Some people were fired with a spirit to beautify the world and planted trees that will live for 200 years. Others wrote music that speaks to us from another generation, and others established a government that guides our principles of justice.

They gave so much because they knew they were a part of their community and the world. Most of us cannot make great contributions that will make us famous, but we enrich our lives when we contribute freely to improving our community. We do that when we simply say hello to our neighbor, when we serve on a cleanup committee for a local park, and when we do Twelfth Step work. We too have contributed to the world, and that gives us a feeling of peace and self-respect.

Today, I will appreciate all that comes freely to me from others, and I will give what I can to make the world a better place.

Today's reading is from the book Touchstones

October 28

Owning Who We Are

We learn how to tell the truth in recovery. That can mean figuring out how to tell really big truths about ourselves, which includes naming and owning who we are. Over the years, I have supported friends in recovery coming out (literally) and naming some really big truths about their sexuality and identity. It's a beautiful thing to witness. I've been there for friends who faced and owned some hard truths about long-term relationships as well as changed their preferences for what they want to do for work.

Knowing what we want and what we like invites change, and in recovery we can accept those invitations. I have had a few major awakenings about preferences over the past few decades, but it's the little things I speak up about these days that feed my sense of self. Not too long ago, I admitted to my partner that I don't like pancakes, although I had eaten them most weekends for thirty years because he and our kids loved them. I longed for tradition, and pancakes felt like tradition. I'm getting to an age now where I just don't have time to pretend to like things anymore. So pancakes are out. Oddly enough, waffles are still in.

Recovery helps us get at our likes and dislikes and shows us how to express them more clearly.

Today's reading is from the book She Recovers Every Day: Meditations for Women*

October 29

Making the stretch

Some of us come into the program and are gung ho for the first three to six weeks. We're like a quarter horse, good for the short run but not for the long stretch. After we come down from the high of winning our first run, reality and responsibility seep in and we step out, possibly even give up.

So something has to carry us through, and that is our Higher Power, providing we let it. Then, as time passes, we find we no longer feel the need to use drugs. Our Higher Power is what guides us through.

Am I good for the long stretch?

Higher Power, guide me with your loving light for the whole race.

Today I will improve my stamina by practicing …

Today's reading is from the book Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts*

October 30

There Is More

My recovery was not a linear journey. I was first introduced to recovery in the late nineties, when I was active duty in the military. Almost two years ago, just before the pandemic, I got sick of waking up and not feeling happy. All I could think was, There has to be more to life than this. And drinking just wasn't it. It wasn't fun anymore.

To paraphrase a term I've heard in the rooms of AA, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was an overwhelming feeling. There has to be more to life than this.

In time, I took the leap. I became willing to seek recovery for myself. Thankfully, this time around, I stuck with it.

There is more to life when we choose recovery.

~Jen O., U.S. Army, 1995–2019

Today's reading is from the book Leave No One Behind: Daily meditations for Military Service Members and Veterans in Recovery*