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Saw this at my chiropractor's office yesterday. Surprised I remember it in today.

Do you know why angels fly so fast???

Because they take a "Hare" plane.

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https://memegenerator.net/img/instan...-yoke-joke.jpg

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This is a repeat, but every time I see it I have to laugh.

THIS IS A RERUN, HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING DUPLICATES BUT THIS IS PRICELESS!

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DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE!

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Q. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb!

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What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

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When I see a kid acting out, I always want to say, "Who is the parent here?a

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A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:"I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one". The angel continues: "After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra.". The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/i..._WyPUsY1yAwlKh

Saw a swan having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

Saw some young swans that kept dancing when a particular song started. Apparently it was their cygnet-ure tune.

Where do swans invest their cash? In the stork market.

p.s. not very funny when you have to sign in for the 3rd time to post it. I am having trouble typing I, it generall shows up as "i" and I have to try several times to correct it. It is the capital key that isn't working, not the i key, which means everything which is typed with my right hand, can be troublesome.

Not funny! Yes it is. ;)

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

====================

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

====================

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

==================

Heard this joke a long time ago.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Anonymous74813 18541
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Anonymous45259 11316
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

funny jokes30798 6906
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

ZDW23959 10547
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Montgomery...16150 6188
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

TheLaughFa...15241 8271
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Capricorn3714864 2758
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Anonymous12739 2505
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

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What did the Buffalo say when his son left?

Bison.

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Fsh!

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joke of the day

Q: Why did the blonde return the puzzle?
A: It was broken

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Question: What do you call bears with no ears?
Answer: B

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

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What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?

A: Don't look I'm changing!!!!!

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Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.

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A wino was staggering down the beach hungover and sick..His mouth was dry,and he wanted a drink bad...He was checking all the empty cans and bottles he found looking for a corner of a bottle..
He found a bottle ,pulled the cork,and out popped a genie
Genie said,great,i`m free,I have been in there for 3500 yrs...you get 2 free wishes!
The wino thought about it for a minute,and said,I want a bottle of wine that will never run dry...
poof!
There, in his hands was a fresh bottle of wine.He pulled the cork and took a slug..the bottle refilled itself.Great he said...The genie said, hurry up, I`ve got some catching up to do...the wino thought for a minute,and asked the genie, you got one more bottle like this?
__________________

There are no strangers in AA, just friends I haven`t met yet

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I know this is a rerun, but every time I see it, it makes me laugh.

Joke for today

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he

felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just

stick this button in your ear and run this little string down

to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" asked Morris.

:27:"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But

when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
-
Doctor: "What happened?"
-
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
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Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
-
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
-
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
-
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?

LOL! A good Al-Anon joke!

Quote:

Post Options Post by on Apr 19, 2006 at 2:52pm
I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since
they let Clark Gable get by with saying, "d**n" in "Gone With The
Wind," it seems every new movie has either hell or d**n in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me
if someday they'll be making more than the president.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars
seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.

I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to
a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Parliament.

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood.

If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.

This is something I posted in 2006. Just think, that was 8 years ago, so this is very old, but not as old as I am/. LOL

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“What do you call a water bottle without a cap? De-cap-itated.”

When Jesus Was Born
Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

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A rerun - Still a pretty lady.

A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

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This is funny It is what I do every day when I look at the cartoon. Is it funny? It has to make the Majesty Jo's funny bone twinge. Is it a rerun? Is it funny enough to repeat. Some are my all time favourites and get air play every time they appear; like the cat with the hat. That is my joke of the day. It is on me.

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A Florist's Mistake
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."