Daily Humor
 

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand. Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

---------

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

---------

The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

--------

Exhilaration: that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and before you realize what's wrong with it.

Household Tools For Dummies:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.

Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.

----------

Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

----------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

--------

A new bride went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

--------

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!” :169:

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget.

Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.” “Okay,” he said. “…and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too,” she added. “You’d better write all this down.” “I won’t forget!” he said.

Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.” “What did I forget?” he asked. She replied, “My toast!”

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

--------

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

--------

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

--------

"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs." - Bob Ettinger

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

--------

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

--------

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!” :11:

Heee Heee :87:

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins. :27:

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in. Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. “Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man. He hung up and turned to the man waiting. “May I help you?”
“No,” said the man, “I just came in to install the phone.” :11:

http://wadegrindle.com/wp-content/up...Nose-itch1.jpg

http://www.med.wayne.edu/amsa/pictur.../cartoon01.gif

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes. He never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, “What’s with the cat?”

The man responds, “I use it to tell time.”

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, “So how does it tell time?”

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, “What’s with all the racket? It’s one in the morning!!!” :27:

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk. :11:

The Twelve Steps of Computer Users

by Cynthia M. Daffron

Grant me the serenity to accept the hardware I cannot upgrade, the courage to change the software I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

We admitted to Jason, the pimply faced salesman at Computers 'R Us, that we were powerless to organize -- that our lives had become unmanageable. He sold us a desktop CPU, flat-screen monitor and a laser printer. There was no going back.

Step Two

Having plugged in all the equipment, replaced a fuse, and purchased a power strip, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our data when we accidentally deleted it. We put our trust in the Recycle Bin. Another successful marketing strategy captured our attention and we found ourselves believing in the wonder of Windows XP.

Step Three

We made a decision, after discovering e-mail and the Internet, to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Microsoft Outlook, as we understood it. We entered all our contacts and appointments into Outlook, sent out e-mails, and experienced joy.

Step Four

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves when a virus crashed the system and sent a pornographic message to all our contacts. We returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and bought anti-virus protection with a year of automatic updates.

Step Five

We admitted to ourselves, and to another human being in line at the computer store, the exact nature of our wrongs. This friend suggested an upgrade to a faster, sleeker computer, but we resisted the temptation to stray.

Step Six

We were entirely ready to have Microsoft remove all the defects in all computer systems, and put our faith in Windows Update. We believed that true system integrity might one day happen, but by the time we left the store, we no longer believed that it would happen during our time on this planet.

Step Seven

We humbly asked other users to forgive our shortcomings in failing to install virus protection earlier. We disavowed any interest in on line pornography.

Step Eight

When returned to full operational power, we installed new, yet incompatible software. We recorded a list of all the files we had harmed based on the guidance of the blue error message. We became willing to make amends for them all and learned how to reinstall Windows XP.

Step Nine

We made direct amends during future installations by setting restore points prior to installations and restoring files whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Ten

We continued to take personal and system wide inventory and run virus scans. When we discovered evil, we promptly quarantined files, re-booted the system and even, reinstalled Windows XP if necessary.

Step Eleven

We sought through meditation and help files to improve our conscious contact with the registry, as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of its mastery of our computer and the power to carry that out without corrupting itself or crashing the system.

Step Twelve

Having had a organizational and efficiency-enhancing awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to new computer users everywhere.

In the end, we returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and purchased a new laptop, so we could begin the process all over again.. We discovered the power of wireless and anticipate the satisfaction of accessing the Internet unfettered by telephone cords.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/computin...users/0035.gif

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t have a dog.” :11:

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,” said one of the foursome.

“And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” another complained.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on this side of the grass!” :170:

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!” :grin:

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!" :27:

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." --June Henderson

---

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

---

"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." --James Dent

What do you call a formation of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line! :40:

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. "Go" is "Praise the Lord" and "Stop" is "Amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord." :11:

Rick forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 60 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since last Friday. Please pray for him. :11:

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!" :11:

:11:

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, "Keep it. I'll borrow it when I need it."

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. "Hey," he asked, "want to borrow my car?" :11:

--------

Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3. :169:

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

--------

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, ....."And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

--------

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." :11:

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it is cold outside.

The new computer that my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction "Jewel." "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, "Myron." No such word, according to the computer. It suggested "Moron."

------------

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

------------

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be one special kind of person to forget to eat.

------------

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in." :27:

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery." :11:

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now." :11:

Bernie was invited to his elderly friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." :11:

A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?" :272:

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

--------

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

--------

Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" :11:

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?" :281:

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!" :281: