I will keep your son in my prayers.

This goes along with the post that I made about Open Mind, Unmade Mind.

November 1, 2010. This day my new life began. When I went into treatment, I opened my mind and my heart and allowed new ideas to be grafted into my life. My "tree" started to grow back then and even 5 and 1/2 years later it continues to grow every day.

Thanks for sharing. Depression can be a real problem. We go through a grieving process not recognizing that alcohol was a depressant. When I drank it, it seemed to bring me up to where I am on a natural high in today. When I find myself going back there, I know that I am the only one that can get me out of there and only with the help of my God.

I have to be careful being around my son, because he goes into depression in the winter time, especially when he is not working. I can't take on his stuff. He has such a closed mind about change and it makes me sad. So grateful for this program that has allowed me to live and gives me the tools to deal with life, one day at a time.

Good thoughts. I know I will always be an alcoholic/addict. I know that I am recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body that was 'me' when I came into recovery, as long as I continue to work the program. I know that if I allow myself to slip and get away from daily maintenance of my program, I can find myself back there. When I do, I know it is back to basics for me.

How well I recover, is how diligently I work my program. If I allow myself to become complacent or think I am just "fine" now, I will find myself back in the old patterns and behaviors and find myself back in the old habits, which I know will lead me back to where I came from. For me, that isn't an option, for me to use is to die. It doesn't matter what substance I pick up, a drug is a drug and stands between me and my God and my spiritual defense against picking up that first one, whether it is a rye and coke or a chocolate brownie with ice cream. It is and has always been the thinking, and if I tell myself, one won't hurt, I know I am acting out in my dis-ease. When I am there, I allow my disease to inch into my life and we know, when you give someone or some thing an inch, they tend to want a mile.

Here I am, 14 years later, still living in the moment. Some days I have to check on my computer as to what day it is. How time does fly. I used for so long trying to make time disappear. I couldn't stand to be alone with myself. I didn't know how to fill up a day, and now there are not enough hours in a day.

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Fell short on this one today, one of the reasons I couldn't sleep.

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Give the gift of hope to someone. Share what worked for you.

Sometimes when my son comes by I can tell he has been using or I know he is coming down from what ever substance he has been on. When he was drinking, I could smell it. When he was drinking he staggered and had trouble walking (just like my ex-husband). When I drank I could walk that straight line and was a functioning alcoholic. I never saw myself as a 'drunk,' and many people told me they had never seen me drunk and questioned that I was an alcoholic.

I find it scarey not knowing although he has admitted to using cocaine, I am not sure if it has progressed to crack although he has admitted to trying it and not liking it. There is so much out there, so much to experiment with, that I fear although I would be surprised if he started using anything with a needle. That is something he has been terrified of all his life. We all know that fear never stopped an addict from doing anything, so it could end up there.

He had three months clean and sober. He knows there is a better way. It is his choice. I see him flipping from channel to channel when he comes here and if there is any mention of drugs, addiction and getting help, he changes the channel. He just isn't ready.

The link refers to coffee and cigarettes. I gave up coffee because they went with the cigarettes. Yesterday for the first time I went to the mall after the chiropractors while waiting for the bus home and bought a black coffee and added sweetener (Stevia). I don't like the taste but drank it any way. I stopped drinking coffee completely when I learned I was diabetic because I liked double sugar. The same old adage, some is good, more is better. It was a loving relationship that I had with coffee (2-3 pots a day) and coffee (1-2 packs a day). As my friend says, "I only have 3 cigarettes a day, but heaven help you if you take those away."

I did not want to quit smoking. I liked smoking. I couldn't really afford to smoke, but I found the money for it. I preferred smoking to healthy eating. When I was hungry, I had a cigarette. That is what showed me the insanity of the disease. Now I use the money to buy and treat myself to peameal bacon, butter, asparagas, pineapple, steak, mushrooms, etc. all things too pricey for my budget.

I was told to quit for health reasons. The fear never stopped me. I was 7 years sober before I made the decision to quit. It was a spiritual reason that allowed me to make the decision. I came to a decision that I wanted to be a clear and clean channel when sharing my story with others and I didn't think I was totally able to do that as long as I used cigarettes to shut down my feelings. When I quit smoking, a lot of anger I didn't realize that I was still hanging onto was there. Under the anger was fear, rejection, abandonment and sexual assault issues that hadn't healed. I was made aware of the fact that my disease had to be healed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well as the physical.

There are days I desperately want a cigarette. Today was one of those days. If I pick up a cigarette, it would kill faster than a drink. Being asthmatic doesn't help, neither does the circulation problems with the diabetes, not to mention the wear and tear on my longs from smoking from the age of 17 to 56, so I had to come to a place of acceptance and surrender. Believe me, I went kicking and screaming all the way.

I tried Zyban but I found using it difficult. I took a pill and found myself waiting for the result. An old habit and feeling or what? Where is my quick fix? I took the pill, why do I still want a cigarette? Like everything else, I wanted it now if not sooner. It was the thinking behind the drug that was the problem. I tried Nicorette too and all they did was make the cigarettes taste terrible. They were okay for short term abstinance but not long term. I used it when I travelled for 2 hours with my aunt, my sister and her husband to an uncle's funeral.

If I could smoke safely today, I would smoke. I liked what it did for me.

When your doctor prescribes and you don't abuse it by taking too many, none at all, or not the hours your are suppose to, are you using? My doctor was my supplier for years and in today, I am very hesitant about taking anything and yet if I don't I have trouble living with the chronic pain of my arthritis. I have to watch the thinking behind it. i.e. Oh a pill would go down good now! If I take a pill, I can go to bed and that is back using my bed and a drug as an escape. When I had the problems with migraines for the first 7 years of recovery, many people figured I shouldn't have claimed being sober. I didn't want the medication. I took it to maintain my sanity. I thought I was going to go completely insane with the pain.

Having just come off two medications that my doctor prescribed, this struck home with me. Today, I also told him that the medication was too strong and that my pharmacist suggested that I only take 1/2 pill at bedtime. It is really important for me to have a good relationship with them both. The pharmacist is the person who knows all the inter-action and the side affections of the medication and how they all interact, and that includes my vitamins, inhalers, and creams like Voltaren.

Why take a narcotic for the neuropathy in my feet when it doesn't help take away the pain. This was reinforced tonight. I couldn't sleep and because I had a head ache and my feet hurt so much that I couldn't sleep, I decided to take a Tyenol 3 (prescribed by my doctor for my chronic pain and can take every 8 hours, but I refuse to use them that often), and half an hour later, I am kicking myself, even though the head ache has eased, the pain in my feet is still there. I ended up doing a meditation with my Runes (got the breakthrough and Spiritual Warrior card), did accupressure on my feet, asked for what I needed, ended up I came on line, and the pain has gone away, and then I could go to sleep.

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Posted on another site in 2010

So true, isolation is part of my disease. It is not a recovery tool.

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It is so important for me to find my own truth. For me that is what recovery is. I have had so many hand-me-down tapes over the years that I didn't know what was mine to take ownership of. I lived my life through others and I was what they wanted me to be. People pleasing and going outside of myself for love, affection, affirmation, validation, and self-worth just didn't cut it for me. I wore many masks, played many roles, had very thick and high walls hiding that Inner Self and I didn't let her come out very often. I had no concept of my Inner Child. One friend said I just never grew up. I think it was more like I didn't know how to play. I didn't know how to let myself go and have fun. I had to do a lot of work in this area. My humour is still sarkey and the words are their the actions aren't. I just not big on slap-stick. Maybe because I got slapped around too many times for expressing who I was. It is nice to know it is okay to be me.

It is one thing to be honest. Self-honesty is another ball of wax completely.

Originally posted on another site in 2009

Well I don't get slapped around any more and often, it is me not being honest with me that catches up with me and bites me on the a$$.

Our emotions can come out and show themselves physically.

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Posted on another site in 2011

This came to mind when I was doing the Just for Today chip. It is nice to come and find affirmation and further thoughts on the topic.

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I like the quote: Recovery is an inside job.

For sobriety to work, a desire to quit is necessary and to realize that if you don't quit, your addiction is going to kill you. You have to be ready to make a change in your life. You have to do it for yourself. Use the tools of recovery that you have learned, work the program, connect with your Higher Power, and always be on guard. There is an inner strength within....tap into it.

This may not be an AA quote, but it sure reminds me of all the guardian angels put in my path, especially those in early recovery. I was truly blessed with a lot of long-timers with 20 plus years of sobriety., along with many who walked their talk and guided me on my own road.

One who comes to the forefront was a gentleman who had 25 years of sobriety and was still going to meetings daily to give back what was given to him. Another one who celebrated 46 years this year, who was my spiritual advisor for many years who told me that just because they were in AA didn't mean what they said was right for me. He said, "They will show you how to work your program and how NOT to work your program." There will always be a message for you if you are open to listening.

I had a Native Elder tell me, "It isn't what you were or who you were when you were born, it is about who you are in today." She gave me a piece of Fools Gold and I gave her a gift of tobacco. I have no Native blood to my knowledge in my body yet I have felt a very strong link to Native culture. Another Elder came to the recovery house and explained the Medicine Wheel. It had a big impact on my Spiritual growth and perspective on my journey.

I have always liked the saying about Step Four. You have to get rid of the darkness so the light of reason can shine. I had to make room for the Light.

The original above was written on another site in 2008.

One of my favourite quotes. I had to do an inventory of what was there, bring it into the light and get honest about it. Bring it out of the darkness of my denial, and bring it into the open, so I could make changes. Some things had to be just adjusted, other things had to be rejected, others acceptance and built on. It wasn't all bad. I had to look at the positive and all that I had buried and suppressed and lighten my burden. This happened after the 4th Step, when I worked the 5th Step.