Holiday Season Jokes
 

Christmas Presents

When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's
interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the
tree for each family member.

On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation
as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd
lost that!" and "So that's where that went!"

When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items,
he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!" :169:

Christmas One Liners

/* Merry Christmas! */

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and
down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the
birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Pregnant Turkey

*This is priceless - would love to do this.*

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving fork hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

Funny, but not funny! Not when it is done at someone else's expense.

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Innovative Uses for Fruitcake

- Hold up your car when changing tires

- Slice and use for poker chips

- Use it to carve your turkey on

- Use as replacement for Duraflame log

- Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent

- Use it as a seat at a stadium event

- Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

- Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

- Replaces free weights when you work out

- Use as book ends at the school library

Christmas Kitchen

Patty had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband Don, insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her dad for two weeks and when she returned,
she was overjoyed to find that Don had surprised her by
installing beautiful new cabinets as a Christmas present for her.

A few days later, Debbie, a neighbor came over to visit and
after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added,
"All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while
you were gone was confined to the kitchen. :shocked:

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Crispies. :11:

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

•Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

•Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

•You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

•Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

•You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

•World's fattest man sends you a telegram warning you to "back off!"

•CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

•Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

•Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

•You're sweatin' gravy.

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Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- For 34 Microseconds

Christmas is hectic for all but particularly for Santa, who must live in Kyrgyzstan and make his rounds at lightning speed if he is to deliver gifts to all the world's children on time, a Swedish consultancy has concluded.

Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Santa Claus's route around the planet includes stops at 2.5 billion homes, assuming that children of all religions receive a present from the jolly man in the red suit, Anders Larsson of the engineering consultancy Sweco told AFP.

"We estimated that there are 48 people per square kilometer (120 per square mile) on Earth, and 20 metres (66 feet) between each home. So if Santa leaves from Kyrgyzstan and travels against the Earth's rotation he has 48 hours to deliver all the presents," he said.

Father Christmas has long been believed to reside at the North Pole, although a number of northern towns, including Finnish Rovaniemi, claim to be his true home.

But Sweco's report on Santa's most efficient route -- which takes into account factors like geographic density and the fewest detours -- shows that he wouldn't be able to make his round-the-world trip from there in time.

"He has 34 microseconds at each stop" to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies and milk and hop back on his sleigh, Larsson said.

Santa's reindeer must travel at a speed of 5,800 kilometers (3,604 miles) per second to make the trip on time.

Another report circulating on the Internet suggested however that Santa's sleigh, weighed down with presents and traveling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A HURRY!

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