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- - Staying Out of the Middle (https://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/showthread.php?t=833)

Staying Out of the Middle

lighthouse: "I don't want to get in the middle, but..."
is a sign that we may have just stepped into the middle.
We do not have to get caught in the middle of other people's
issues, problems, or communication.
We can let others take responsibility for themselves in their relationships.
We can let them work out their issues with each other.
Being a peacemaker does not mean we get in the middle.
We are bearers of peace by staying peaceful ourselves
and not harboring turmoil.
We are peacemakers by not causing the extra chaos created when we get
in the middle of other people's affairs and relationships.
Don't get in the middle unless you want to be there.

Today, I will refuse to accept any invitations to jump
in the middle of other's affairs, issues, and relationships.
I will trust others to work out their own affairs,
including the ideas and feelings they want to communicate to each other.

By Melody Beattie

This is an old post, but I am sure glad I found it. What do you do if you did nothing to get in the middle, but someone accused (scapegoated) you, because you wrote a short reply to his wife's email. The alcoholic says "all communications go through me." (and I will decide what to tell my wife.) She continues to write and send pictures of our family. I just do not answer now, not wanting to be blamed for any problems that occur in the future. Thank you for your post.

Thank you for your post, love the dogs.

Thank you for sharing Icount. We don't have to feed into other people's stuff. We give up our power when we do.

Thank you Majesty Jo. Maybe I do need to change my name to "I Count;" and get some more assertiveness about me. It has been L Count, from my initials. Thank you for all your posts. I enjoy them so much, and I will remember just for today, not to feed in to all this family drama and chaos, because I am giving my power, my thoughts, goals, direction and everything to them. If I spent this much mental and emotional energy on my program....

Love and blessings of the season,

Lisa

Quote:

Step from the middle, and what do I see?
A person who desperately wants to be free
Of expectations high; identity questioned;
Possibly die
From struggling, from fighting; at what price the cost?
To fragile heart, mind or sould to be lost.

Whe do I turn to, and what can I lose?
If I stand up for me and freedom I choose.
I'm d**ned if I do, yet d**ned if I don't
Hold together a family who can't, or just won't
Understand all the fear, the anger and pain
Of being pulled back into the middle again.

Is there a way I could just step aside,
And leave the solutions on others to ride?
Or is it time to claim what is mine
To search deep inside me, and triumphantly find
The person once me; full of high hopes and dreams
That forever were lost int he middle, it seems.

Deep down in the depths of my hart do I see
A glimpse of a woman, courageous and free
Whose first step to freedom; as difficult may be
Is to step from the middle, and declare,
Look at me.
This is my life; I own it, why can't you see?
That it's time, that I live it; and I live it for me.

- By Lois Stargratt

Love this lady's work, perhaps because a lot of my life was made up of mixed message and I lived other people's dictates, and lived my life through others, instead of being me. When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. I was the sum of the parts of others, every time I picked up, be it alcohol, pills, food or men, I lost a piece of me and there wasn't much 'me' left when I found the program. I was told it was no longer the Codependent, Caretaker, People Pleaser, and all those rules and regulations projected onto me were more abusive than helpful.

I identified so much with ACoA that I was glad that I had gone to AA first, because I would have continued playing the blame game and died.