Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it is cold outside.

The new computer that my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction "Jewel." "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, "Myron." No such word, according to the computer. It suggested "Moron."

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I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be one special kind of person to forget to eat.

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I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in." :27:

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery." :11:

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now." :11:

Bernie was invited to his elderly friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." :11:

A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?" :272:

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

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A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" :11:

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?" :281:

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!" :281:

In a rest room at in the Houston Medical Center, a floor supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the rest room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!" :11:

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Shucks," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" :D

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remembered." :281:

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While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder." :11:

:11:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith....

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As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Neb., I occasionally receive thank you notes from members of school groups. One of my favorites said: "Dear Molly, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all. Love, Theresa."

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Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Go That Extra Mile." Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it: "Because We Missed the Last Exit!"

Just take the bus: walk behind a car and you'll get exhausted; walk in front of a car and you'll get tired. :11:

Did you hear about the two guys who get shipwrecked? They end up on a deserted island with no food or fresh water.
One guy is in despair, "We're going to die!!" The other replies, "Don't worry. I make $100,000 each week." His companion says, "What difference does money make? We're going to starve!"
The other answers, "You don't understand. I earn $100,000 each week and I tithe. My pastor will find us."

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My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!"

"What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?" :281: