[MajestyJo]

A lot of my pride was false. Much of it was a result of expectations projected onto me by others or put upon myself to reach what I thought was necessary to find acceptance, validation and love from others. No one could possibly love me because I was dumb, stupid, ugly, and a country bumpkin with no social graces. I tried to live up to what I thought you want to be rather than be who I am. Always felt like I had to do more to prove myself and yet never measuring up and always feeling less than.

Always wanting to be someone else or like someone else, being me was not enough. Never happy with where I was at, always searching for something else. I wasn't happy and resented those who seem to have it all, especially those who were outgoing and attractive and everything just seemed to fall into their lap.

Looking for love in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons. Fear of rejection and abandonment, made me into this person who was a maid of all traits, looking to please you with no thought of her own needs.
My needs did not exist. Angry because they were not and yet not able to speak up and ask for what I needed. I didn't know. I didn't think it was my right. That is what wives are for. That is your job as a woman. That is what mothers are for. Feeling very used and abused. Very much the victim and the martyr and playing the role. Along with the fear you wouldn't like me was fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and if I said no, you wouldn't love me any more.

Looking for security, fear of being alone, and feeling like I had to have a man in my life to be complete. Fear of not measuring up, fear of being less than, and fear that you won't find me attractive. It took several years in recovery when a sponsor looked at me and said, "Hey, listen up, you are a very attractive woman." I could never see it. If I was attractive, my husband wouldn't have run around. My boyfriends wouldn't have left me or abused me. I deserved the abuse because I wasn't a good wife, mother, lover, friend, or companion.

Always the over-achiever, feeling like she has to do more to prove herself. Like my pill addiction, some is good more is better. I went from this extroverted woman out to please everyone to someone who was introverted and could hardly speak filled with self-loathing and on a great big pity party. I was so hard done by you know.

Many times I ate to drown the feelings. If I get fat, then no one will look at me. The women won't get jealous. I don't want their man but they seemed to think I am out to take him away. They are not my competition yet they always seemed to put barriers up, so I did too and wouldn't allow myself to get close to many people. Gossip almost drove me out of AA. It was hard to sort out all these emotions because I had been stuffing them for years. For the most part, I didn't want to feel.

They say that procrastination is a five syllable word for sloth. It is one of my biggest defects. Put it off until tomorrow, only tomorrow never came. Always looking to run away from home, not wanting to be alone. There was one time in recovery that I went to a meeting on Tuesday night. I would go to the meeting and I would get hugs and felt very welcome on the whole. The meetings were always good and it was there that I started sitting at the Tradition table and learning about them from the long-timers. When I left that meeting, I felt terrible. By the time I got home, I would find myself resentful and angry and I would be a happening looking for a place to land. I blamed it on the group. I stopped going to it. There was a member there who had tried to close my group down. It had to be his fault! Finally, one night I went to an anniversary. I got a ride home and I realized that I had to go home, straight home. The problem was that I was on a natural high, feeling good, and I didn't want to go home alone. When I had stomped down the street, I had wanted to go on to Hess Village and be with the crowd, listen to the music and have fun. It wasn't about any thing or anyone else, it was about me and my attitude. I turned it over to God and all was resolved. I did stop going to that meeting and only went back a few times because I was led to an Al-Anon meeting and ended up sponsoring my first Earthling and taking her through the Steps. She moved away and she went back to school. I was able to share with her where her partner was coming from and give her some indication into the alcoholic mind and yet show her how she could set boundaries, detach, and do what she needed for herself.

Now I play bridge on Tuesday, or I did, until I fired my partner last week.

Many times over the years I have phoned my sponsor and said, "I need to talk about my character defects, they were glaringly apparent today. A program of progress not perfection.

To be continued...