[MajestyJo]

Did not want to quit drinking, but knew it was a part of the picture. I was in total denial about being an alcoholic. I wanted what they had, so I said I was and alcoholic, and brought the body, and hoped that I would find their secret. I found out that my addiction to pills were like dried up alcohol. I could identify. I found that substitution doesn't work and it isn't the substance, it is the thinking behind the dis-ease.

What was it that made me look for something outside of myself to make me feel better?

I remained in total denial for 2 years. I did not drink. I did not use, but my mind left that window open for me to reach out and have that little glass of wine, that won't hurt me because I don't have a problem you know. I believe it is called self-justification.

Finally at 2 years sober I had a dream. It was very vivid and removed all traces of denial. As I watched myself, I realized that I couldn't act the way I did and be sober even though I walked a straight line.

I walked into the Royal Canadian Legion, Br. 470 in shoes with 3" red heals and a big red bow. I walked ug p to the bar and ordered a drink of rye, it wasn't polite or friendly, even though the bartender was a long time friend. I added the Coca-Cola from the machine, and turned and check out the room to see who was going to be my first victim. I proceeded to play darts, cribbage, euchre, pool, in no specific order and often playing darts as it was my 'game' of choice. I was a first class b*tch, a braggart, a person who took hostages instead of friends, and thought herself the cat's meow. She played for drinks, but often refused but gave off the attitude, if I did, I would whop your butt, she was not a very nice person.

I asked myself, "If you aren't an alcoholic, what are you? I didn't want to know! So I kept going to AA. I also went to Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was so glad that I had gone to AA first, or I would have remained in my denial and might have not stayed sober and died. I could so relate to their material, and it was like looking in a mirror. I knew I needed to be in AA. It was reality, in case I got mixed up in denial in the future.

The 12 Steps are a firm foundation for recovery. It started in AA but is applicable to all Fellowships. I went to a Sex Anonymous meeting and found out I did not qualify. I did have to go for Sexual Assault counselling at 15 years sober. What I had done on my 4th and 5th Steps were not enough. I had too much buried, and I need time to work on it and had to go for outside help. For me, going to church is outside help and helps give me spiritual food. I can get it at any church if I am willing to listen. A lot depends on the lesson given, a lot depends on whether it is old news or new. It is about how do I live in today. Jesus showed us the way, I loved those bumper stickers, "What would Jesus do?" I wanted how many ask the question and wait for the answer.