Bluidkiti's Alcohol and Drug Addictions Recovery Help/Support Forums - View Single Post

MajestyJo · 09-01-2014, 06:29 PM

Wrote a post and lost it, so had to rewrite the one above.

Second time around, I think I forgot to answer your question about the book.

Read: 12 Steps to Destruction http://psychoheresy-aware.org/12stepsbk_online.html

One reason is, I am not interested. Two, I don't have a credit card and don't buy ANYTHING and do not do business with my bank online. 3) I am a student of Melody Beattie and her books, "The Language of Letting Go, Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency." I read the preface of Codependent No More and ran to the nearest Al-Anon meeting because we didn't have a CoDA meeting near me. Always wanted to start one, but always had too much on my plate.

The way I see it, and have seen it, I was raise a Christian, I was a good Christian girl and woman. Being a Christian, didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic or an addict.

I was saved at Bible Camp at 10 years old. I went home, wondered what I was missing when others took communion and I couldn't, and after communion, I decided to check it out and there was a silver goblet with about 2" of real red wine in it, and I drank it, or you can say I stole it. I always remembered the feeling I got when it hit bottom. I had that instant "AHHHHHHHHH" feeling, and I looked for it the rest of my life. I didn't steal any more wine, but when I was baptized at 14, I was legalized to have some. I can remember the feeling and I can remember trying to take a gulp and make it look like a sip. Totally sacrilegious, but back then, I didn't know. At 16, I was put in the hospital because of continuing head ache and stomach ache. They couldn't find out what was causing them. They gave me an internal. They decided that I had a nervous disorder and put me on Valium. I firmly it was that taste of alcohol that kept triggering my disease and my body was screaming for more, but I didn't know.

I certainly had a nervous traumatic experience at the hospital. I was 16, a country girl living on a 199 farm, one acre given to the township to build a school, and I had no experience of life. I was put on an open ward next to a 90 year old lady who had broken her hip, this was 56 years ago. She was always moaning and the nurses ignored her and she wanted a drink so I got up to give her a drink of water. The sheets moved and showed her hip, with the skin healed over the bone swinging freely back and forth, not attached. She must have been in excruciating pain and I couldn't figure out why the nurses were not helping her.

From then on pills were a big part of my life. My husband ran around with other women and introduced them to me. He was with another woman the night our son was born and left to move in with her when our son was 2 months old. When our separation papers went through, my sister and I went to the Liquor store, neither of had ever been to one, I was 25 and she was 21 and we tossed a coin to see who would to in and buy a mickey of rye to celebrate. I lost and I went in, and I continued to be the one to continue to go in. The times between got shorter and the bottles got bigger. I took two 222s at bed time to alleviate a hang over.

I had the instant thinking and reaction. Over the years I chased them and my drug of choice became more.

In AA, I found out that I could take those more feeling to my God and He could help me, I didn't find that out in church. I found out that forgiveness was unconditional and I didn't have to pay for my disease for the rest of my life.

I got the freedom of recovery. I got the freedom from active addiction. I got the freedom to be myself. I got the freedom of Love, my God Loves me no matter where I am at in my recovery, His Love is Unconditional.

Sobriety is in today. Just for today, I choose not to use and abuse myself or others. Just for today, I choose to be clean and sober. Just for today, I choose not to use food, work, gambling, relationships, pills, etc. to replace my drug of choice. Just because I don't use my drug of choice, that doesn't make me sober. That is kind of hard for me, because my drug of choice was always more. More of what I am having, more of what you are having (unless you are drinking beer hated beer, can't be an alcoholic), and anything else that comes my way. I used hash when I was about 29, didn't know what it was, but it was there. Didn't find out what it was until I came into recovery at 49.

Sorry to be so long winded, my fingers just keep on walking. Did I miss anything?

It may not be on paper, but that never really mattered to me. Most of my recovery came out of the mouth of a recovering alcoholic and addict who went before me and showed me the way.

09-01-2014, 06:29 PM	#6
MajestyJo Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Hamilton, ON Posts: 25,085	Wrote a post and lost it, so had to rewrite the one above. Second time around, I think I forgot to answer your question about the book. Read: 12 Steps to Destruction http://psychoheresy-aware.org/12stepsbk_online.html One reason is, I am not interested. Two, I don't have a credit card and don't buy ANYTHING and do not do business with my bank online. 3) I am a student of Melody Beattie and her books, "The Language of Letting Go, Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency." I read the preface of Codependent No More and ran to the nearest Al-Anon meeting because we didn't have a CoDA meeting near me. Always wanted to start one, but always had too much on my plate. The way I see it, and have seen it, I was raise a Christian, I was a good Christian girl and woman. Being a Christian, didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic or an addict. I was saved at Bible Camp at 10 years old. I went home, wondered what I was missing when others took communion and I couldn't, and after communion, I decided to check it out and there was a silver goblet with about 2" of real red wine in it, and I drank it, or you can say I stole it. I always remembered the feeling I got when it hit bottom. I had that instant "AHHHHHHHHH" feeling, and I looked for it the rest of my life. I didn't steal any more wine, but when I was baptized at 14, I was legalized to have some. I can remember the feeling and I can remember trying to take a gulp and make it look like a sip. Totally sacrilegious, but back then, I didn't know. At 16, I was put in the hospital because of continuing head ache and stomach ache. They couldn't find out what was causing them. They gave me an internal. They decided that I had a nervous disorder and put me on Valium. I firmly it was that taste of alcohol that kept triggering my disease and my body was screaming for more, but I didn't know. I certainly had a nervous traumatic experience at the hospital. I was 16, a country girl living on a 199 farm, one acre given to the township to build a school, and I had no experience of life. I was put on an open ward next to a 90 year old lady who had broken her hip, this was 56 years ago. She was always moaning and the nurses ignored her and she wanted a drink so I got up to give her a drink of water. The sheets moved and showed her hip, with the skin healed over the bone swinging freely back and forth, not attached. She must have been in excruciating pain and I couldn't figure out why the nurses were not helping her. From then on pills were a big part of my life. My husband ran around with other women and introduced them to me. He was with another woman the night our son was born and left to move in with her when our son was 2 months old. When our separation papers went through, my sister and I went to the Liquor store, neither of had ever been to one, I was 25 and she was 21 and we tossed a coin to see who would to in and buy a mickey of rye to celebrate. I lost and I went in, and I continued to be the one to continue to go in. The times between got shorter and the bottles got bigger. I took two 222s at bed time to alleviate a hang over. I had the instant thinking and reaction. Over the years I chased them and my drug of choice became more. In AA, I found out that I could take those more feeling to my God and He could help me, I didn't find that out in church. I found out that forgiveness was unconditional and I didn't have to pay for my disease for the rest of my life. I got the freedom of recovery. I got the freedom from active addiction. I got the freedom to be myself. I got the freedom of Love, my God Loves me no matter where I am at in my recovery, His Love is Unconditional. Sobriety is in today. Just for today, I choose not to use and abuse myself or others. Just for today, I choose to be clean and sober. Just for today, I choose not to use food, work, gambling, relationships, pills, etc. to replace my drug of choice. Just because I don't use my drug of choice, that doesn't make me sober. That is kind of hard for me, because my drug of choice was always more. More of what I am having, more of what you are having (unless you are drinking beer hated beer, can't be an alcoholic), and anything else that comes my way. I used hash when I was about 29, didn't know what it was, but it was there. Didn't find out what it was until I came into recovery at 49. Sorry to be so long winded, my fingers just keep on walking. Did I miss anything? It may not be on paper, but that never really mattered to me. Most of my recovery came out of the mouth of a recovering alcoholic and addict who went before me and showed me the way. __________________ Love always, Jo I share because I care.