When I read this, it reminded me of what it says in the 12 & 12 about coming out of the darkness into the light. That is why I need to do a 4th Step. To take an inventory of what is there, be it positive or negative.
So many things were buried, some so deeply that it took years to resurface. It often took a similiar incident in today, which had strings attached to something in the past, that I came to realize that it was an old issue as well as a new situation.
This was very true when the first time I experienced grief of a loved one. When I was using, I hadn't properly grieved those who had passed away. It was like compound interest. To some it would be an over reaction, yet it went very deep and it wasn't just the person who passed away but the loss of about 6 people.
Depression is a part of grief work, and I think a lot of what I have been suffering, is loss of my son. At first it was from the city, to another city in Ontario, and then the move to B.C. Then each time he went into treatment and relapsed, there was more grief. I tend to forget, although applicable, the Steps are not a quick fix.
As I have said many times, it isn't the drug that is the problem, they are but a symptom of my disease. It is my thinking and my core the center of my being, that needs to be healed.
When things are at their darkest, God is there. It is my believe that all things are not bad or good for us, but what is bad or good in the moment.
It seems like I can be in a really miserable place, hurting and sometimes it feels like I have taken on the cares and woes of the world. It seems like one of two people will call or both, and they just seem to drain you dry when you are speaking to you. They are what book of mine calls Energy Vampires. You can't always buy into their story, and their body language is something else again. You can tell by their message on your answering machine, which is generally "Oh woe is me" or "Just thought I would give you a call, I thought of you and I was led to call you." That is an example and amongst the words are a lot of self-pity and sighs and hums and hahs.
I always have to do a meditation, get centered and take God with me when I call them back.
