What a gift! Freedom of choice. When I was using, my choice was taken from me my drug of choice became the Master at the helm of my life.
In recovery, I am also given freedom of choice, and I can still lose that choice by giving up my power.
When I surrender to this program, I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself. This was totally impossible for me when I was using and when I was in a relationship. Even sober, before I had the time to heal, to let go of my past, I was still living out my old patterns and behaviors.
I believe I posted somewhere on the board about asking the bouncer at the dance hall I use to go to why no one danced with me any more, when before I never missed a dance except when I excused myself. He said, "It is because you are Ken's girl!" I couldn't believe it! I was furious. I believed he had total ownership of me, and although he could go and do 'courtesy dances', I had to sit there until he asked or allowed someone else to dance with me. I had no idea or concept that this was abuse. I had another boyfriend isolate me from all my friends and I became the whole center of his world and the phone stopped ringing and people stopped dropping by.
I stayed in an abusive marriage for seven years, but I didn't think by then I could take care of myself, that no one else would have me and that I was completely worthless. When it got unbearable, I waited for the perfect time to ask him to leave, and there never seemed to be the right moment. The day I asked him to leave I had 50 cents in my pocket and no food in the house and my son was sixteen. The reason I made the decision was he complained because I bought bread, milk, cereal and peanut butter for my son to eat. Thank God for peanut butter and Kraft dinner or my son would have starved. It is a wonder he is still talking to me today. The reason I made my choice was that my son and my husband were getting to a stage that my son was going to protect me and there would have been a fist-a-cuff if I didn't ask my ex-husband to leave.
The Legion provided me with a food voucher until I could see a Mother's Allowance worker on the Monday. We stayed in the village for two years after that before we left to come to Hamilton. I would come home at night and my ex-husband would be at the door asking me what I had been up to and coming home at such and such an hour. He accused me of relationships with different men, and I said, "Why would I want another man when I just got rid of you!"
Anytime I was in a relationship, I lost my identity. I lost my freedom of choice. I am an individual, and just because I choose to have a relationship with someone doesn't mean that I have to give up the freedom to be myself. I refuse to compromise myself every again.
Something I posted on another site in 2004
But for the Grace of God...
