[MajestyJo]

My denial was always about alcohol. This helped me to see that I used alcohol the same as I used other substances in my life. It wasn't about I drank, how much I drank, but what it did to me when I did drink it. It was the thinking behind the drinking that was the problem. Every time I picked up, I lost a little of me. I was unrecognizable and all the values and principles that I had been raised with where not visible, and I was an empty vessel when I got to the doors. I had to accept my disease, and find a way to fill up on spiritual things to replace those old ideas, thoughts, habits, behaviours, and patterns.

Because I had a high tolerance for alcohol, I thought I wasn't an alcoholic. I labelled my dad and my ex-husband as alcoholics because they passed out, fell down, staggered, were violent, couldn't walk or drive a straight line. I once said to my dad, "You drove in that condition?" He had just come from his girlfriend's. He looked at me and said, "Well I certainly couldn't walk and proceeded to fall flat on his face and I had to help him to bed.

The reality was that I could match them drink for drink, drive them home, function and resented them for drinking all the booze, before they passed out. I wanted to party and there wasn't much for me. That is when I started hiding my booze. I couldn't have consumed all that liquor and been sober although I never saw myself as drunk. There was only a couple of times that I recall taking the stairs on my hands and knees.

My son says he never saw me drunk, which means he never saw me sober for most of his early years. He was 25 when I came into recovery.

When I saw myself in my dream, because I was wearing red high-heeled shoes and walking a straight line, I was sober. Then I saw myself in living color and saw the person I changed into when I did drink. It wasn't what or how much I drank. It was what it did to me when I did drink it.

Like all drugs, I had the fear of running out, once I had some, I wanted more, thought of living without my crutch and my coping tool was too much to contemplate. I couldn't imagine not having a man in my life. I stayed in abusive relationships when I should have been long gone; yet I didn't feel I could be on my own and cope with life. I was waiting for the right moment to leave, and it never came.

I had to accept that I was an addict. I was always at dis-ease within myself and always looking for some person, place or thing to make me feel better.

Something I posted on another site.