[MajestyJo]

Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been, and are. We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.


My drug of choice was always more. It was only reasonable to be told that most things in my life had been in excess too. Some is good, more is better. I was one of those people who thought that now she stopped drinking and abusing her medication, she was just fine! We didn't want to hear the meaning of fine although they made a point in recovery to enlighten us. "F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional although someone said, "...and Enjoying it!" My friend proceeded to take my inventory for me, and I went home gave it some thought and added more to the list. My sponsor said, "Now go home and find a positive for every negative on your list. It is about bringing your life back into balance."

My life had been one big emotion. Someone said, "Just because you have an emotion, doesn't mean you have to act on it." I realized it was something that I had been doing wrong all of my life. Seldom I could get by the harm that was done to me and didn't want to look at the harm that I did to others. I could see it was act, react and often the abused becomes the abuser.

I had shut down my emotions. The whole idea of using was to supress these feelings. How can I recognize something that I hadn't acknowledge for many years? How can I change something that I had been in denial about feeling? How can I express something that I was not in touch with? Again, I was asked, "...but how do you feel?" If I knew what I was feeling, I wouldn't have been in a recovery house. I am recovering from not feeling, from shutting down, from acting out, from feelings that I had never expressed and allowed myself to feel. How can I change something I didn't know I had? In order to do that, I had to do an inventory and take stock of what was there or more importantly, what wasn't there to have a peaceful and contented life.

I didn't have much faith in myself. I had developed a faith in the program. I could see it working in others and I wanted what they had. How can I know what to change if I don't know who I am? Now that the drink and drugs were no longer there, I had no coping skills left. They had been my crutch, my best friend, and now they were gone, so what did I need to find this new way of life without picking them up again?

To be continued...