Xenophobiais a fear, hatred, dislike of aliens and strangers.
Perhaps that is why I didn't like myself, because I always felt like I didn't fit in.
Old tapes continued to play out through my whole life. I was never able to let go, and new ones were added to the old tapes that caused low self-esteem.
Who said that your opinion counted?
Did you think we care about what you have to say?
What makes you hear me say "What do you think?"
If you were not so stupid....!
Look at what you made me do! I didn't know that I didn't have the power to make him/her do anything.
I took everything personal, and didn't know that there was my stuff and theirs. Most times when things are projected onto me, it is their stuff and not mine to take on.
When my husband started to run around with other women early in our marriage, I thought it was my fault. I wasn't good enough as a wife, a friend, as a housekeeper (which was true to some effect as I worked full time).
When he introduced me to two of the women he was bedding, as friend he worked with and I was still I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it honestly. I left him because he hit in the car when he was driving me to work, for opening my mouth when he told me to shut up. I was trying to discuss financial payments for the end of the month.
When I went into labour, he drove me to the hospital and disappeared. The hospital asked me to call him and I tried for four hours, because I was having labour pains every 3-5 min. and they were not changing, and they suggested he come in and be supportive and help me to induce labour by walking me up and down the hall. I went in to heavy labour about 11 p.m., my son was born at 4 a.m. and when the doctor phoned to tell him he had a son, he was not home.
I went to stay with my best friend because I didn't even know how to change a diaper, bathe, and care for him. I was 24 years old. My husband left me when our son was 2 months old. My landlady wouldn't let me stay because I was a single parent. My husband had sold all our furniture and moved us into this furnished apartment. When I found a new apartment, I had no furniture. I felt like a failure, ugly, unlovable, abandoned, rejected, which reaffirmed other incidents in my life, and every thing became compounded interest.
I didn't know how to grieve, I started back to work and slowly but surely pills and alcohol were added to the mix to help me to cope with life. The first person to rape me was my husband, I didn't know I had the right to say "No" and that I had a choice.
As a result, I was raped three more times, and I ended up looking for love in all the wrong places, because I couldn't find it within myself. I found that if I can't love and respect myself, others will not always love and respect you. As they say, "Let it begin with me."
I had to cleanse my body, mind and spirit.
Thanks for letting me share.
