[MajestyJo]

Something I posted on another site in 2010:

"Sometimes I think I'm going to die from the sadness. Not that anyone ever died from crying for two hours, but it sure feels like it."

About Grief

You may feel foolish crying over events that happened so long ago. But grief stays stored up until you have a chance to express it.

The way to move beyond grief is to experience your pain fully and honor your feelings.


Grief has its own timing. You can't say, "This is it. I'm going to grieve now." You have to make room for grief as it arises. You need to give yourself the time and space to let go:

"I had been in therapy for several months and I began to feel safe. There were weeks when I entered the building, went up the stairs, and checked in, all with a smile on my face. Then I'd enter the office, and my therapist would close the door. Before she could even get to her chair, I'd be crying. Deep within me I help those feelings, waiting until I new there would be time and compassion."


However your grieve, allow yourself to release the feelings you've been holding inside. Grieving can be a grief relief.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Many times over the years, especially the last five years of recovery; I have sat in meditation after asking for what I needed to heal, and the ability to let go of what I didn't need, want or desire. I have sat there with tears just streaming down my face. Most times, not knowing the source, but other times, as a result of something that had triggered me in today.

Tears are a great healer. They cleanse the soul.

Grieving is such a big part of recovery. I looked at a couple of topic discussion books I have and no reference was given.

Just walking into the doors of recovery brings about a loss. A loss of illusion, a loss of a way of life, the losing of walls and survival tools, which no longer serve us in today. Many were more blocks and hinderance, and as we make changes in our life, every changed thought and pattern, puts us through a grieving periods in our life.

I took over the parent role at 14, but I was being trained for the job at 10. I say 10, because that is when I was aware. I have no memory prior to five years old, and that memory came two years ago. The next memory is me with my mother at the age of six, and the next one was 8, and then they start coming in about ten.

I believe that my fibromyalgia is a result of stuffed emotions and pain that was never dealt with as I grew up. We are products of our environment I believe more so than heredity, but it could be in the genes as well as the jeans. I know the jeans seemed to do me more harm that the genes. I was brought up to be a lady, a good little Christian girl, and as a result I got a whole lot of mixed messages.

The first person to rape me was my first husband. I didn't know I had a right to say no! I didn't know I was suppose to enjoy sex, I thought I was just a recepticle for a man's use and my way of serving him! As I type that, I shudder and I can feel the anger. That marriage lasted three years and I have a beautiful son as a result of, I had a year relationship after that which I ran from, and it wasn't until after another four month relationship, that I met a man who became my friend and lover and showed me that God had intended me to enjoy life, sex and was deserving of love.

He wanted me to move to the city of TO and I wouldn't go there, and as a result I was to be sexually abused by a doctor and raped twice before I made the decision at 41 to give up men because they were my problem.

I had to grieve those lost years. When I came into recovery at 49 there were no men around to blame my problems on, other than the ones in the past, but they were long gone and I had to face me in today.

Many times I was the victim of other people's choices, and hurt because of choices I made which put me in a position to be hurt.

Thanks to recovery I have been able to let a lot of that pain go, but I didn't get sick overnight and it takes time. I am not who I was in active addiction. My disease took over, and I got left behind or I gave away myself looking for the love, affirmation, and the courage to live. I had to morn my loss of self, and make an amend to myself for abusing me.

I try not to keep anything a secret today, as I remember I deal with it. I can't afford to keep it there because it just festers and grows and shows itself in ways that are not condusive to serenity, peace and love.

What brought me here will take me back. If I don't break the cycle, it will keep repeating itself. Feeling the feelings, allows me to let go, it is part of the grief and even in today one of the hardest things for me to do is cry. It is only when I sit in meditation and ask for healing and spend time with God and ask for that healing that I have sat alone and in the dark and have had tears just roll down my cheeks. I haven't had a clue as to what the origin of them are, but it is just like a cleansing of my soul.