Thanks for sharing. I found it best to build a foundation before I confronted others to make amends.
I found it best to do it with a sponsor. It can be done with a minister or a priest, but many of them, including doctors don't have a clear understanding of addiction. It isn't a SIN, it is a disease. When we picked up our drug of choice, it took us, an we got left behind. I know I lost all the Christian teachings on the back burner, even if I knew it was wrong, my disease won the battle. It was only through a spiritual awakening that I was able to stop and that allowed for the healing.
Start at Step One, and take it from there. I was told to do them in order. I went to a lot of meetings, focusing on Steps 1,2, and 3. Then I tried to apply the others to the best of my ability, but I couldn't put the cart before the horse. I did try to take off the surface because I didn't want to continue acting out in my disease.
An amend isn't saying sorry, it is about changing and promising not to do it again to the best of my ability, allowing for my human nature under the care of my God. As I grew in awareness, detoxed (11 months until alcohol leaves our system and I think drugs are 9-10 months), so I couldn't get a clear vision of the nature of my wrongs.
When I quit smoking, after doing three Step 4s, at 7 years, I found that fear and anger were covering up resentment, rejection, abandonment, and other issues that I hadn't dealt with. It is very much a one day at a time program. I remember speaking to my co-sponsor who was a Native American and said, "Didn't I already deal with this?" She said, "Yes, but they do keep coming back up." Needless to say, I thought it was a bummer, but it is true. As a long-timer use to share at meetings, "he had 13 defects of character in barrels and only 12 lids, so there was bound to be a defect running around some where.
I prayed to my God and asked for the Defect of Character to be removed. As I grow in the program, I can see that the defect was much bigger and went deeper than I thought, and needed a lot of healing. I can't, my God can, and just for today, I choose to let Him. Just the same as I did when I asked for the desire to drink and drug be taken from me. It was white knuckle time, until I prayed and became totally willing to be honest, surrender to the program and the fact that I can't do it myself, and I had to be willing to accept my disease in all forms. The alcohol was but a symptom of my alcoholism. I also had used relationships, pills, work/busy, and food. The problem was me, and I had to be open to change and healing. It is not a quick fix program. It is a living program. Just for today, I choose not to abuse myself and others.
Prayers to you on your journey. As they say, "Pray and ask for help in the morning and give thanks at night." My sponsor said, "A grateful alcoholic/addict will never have a REASON to pick up." He/She may have lots of excuses, but no reason to relapse. Keep coming so you don't have to come back.
