A Dieter's Prayer
Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
I incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man
And Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So, grant me strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
T hat my soul may be poly unsaturated.
And show me the light that I may bear witness
T o the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at margarine, I'll never mutter
For the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
A nd Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
The Devil is in each slice of baloney.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
A nd Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
But, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from jujubees.
And when my days of trial are done,
And my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe, size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
Of pasta a la Milannaise,
Potatoes a la Lyonnaise,
And crisp, fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!
