Surrender doesn't mean to give up. It means give over. Surrender was part of the honesty I needed to find in Step One, admitting I didn't know, made a mistake, willing to open my mind to new ideas and concepts. Just because I had done things for numerous years, didn't mean they were right. I found even in recovery, things in early recovery had to be revised and edited. Many times it was my lack of willingness to let go, I wanted to hang onto those strings, making them conditional, hidden, and many times restoring to denial and lack olf willingness to let go.
My addiction was always wanting more, so in my recovery, I had to get honest, open my mind, and willing to change. More recovery, not more drugs, no more using other things to hide from what was truly happening in my life.
My control in today come from my Through my God, all things are possible. The second half of the first Step, my life is unmanageable when managed by me.
It is ironic, I never used to get 'high' or as what some people saw as 'high', although it could have been the fact that I was so depressed, it took a lot of using to get me up to where I got to a stage to really let go. I remember times when I was horrified because I saw myself losing control. There is no way I wanted to act or appear drunk, I just wanted the warm fuzzies, and it just took more and more to reach that feeling. The problem was, as my disease progressed, if I did find the feeling, I couldn't stop there, I still had to have more. It didn't matter what the drug was that brought me there or the drug that came along that I just had to have more. When one drug stopped working, I generally used it in a combo with something or someone else.
