This is one of the reasons, I was in denial about being an alcoholic. I did like being the center of attention, but denied it, and didn't contribute it to alcoholism. I had a motto, do it with style and grace. I was terrified of acting and being like my dad or my husband of the time. If I thought I was going to lose it, I would go to the bathroom, put my finger down my throat, if necessary, upchuck, so I good drink more. The insanity of this disease, that kept me in denial.
I didn't like most drink, especially hated beer, so I can't be an alcoholic. And yet when I thought of it, I remembered saying to my husband, "You are just going to leave that?" I figured it was bought and paid for, so I drank the two inches left in the bottle. It was the principle of the thing.
I didn't have black outs although I later realized I did have them when abusing my prescription drugs. They were dried up alcohol for me. The same insanity happened when I realized that I had an eating disorder. It ALL leads to the same soul sickness.
When I had my first 8 social drinks, it just brought me up to a level where I was happy, joyous and free. People told me that 8 wasn't social drinking. I never had the concept of one or two. If you are going to have a drink, So Shall I! As my disease progressed, I needed more to bring me up to where I wanted to be. My drug of choice became more, because it took over my life, especially my thoughts, and I lived to have that more.
When I stole the 1-2" of wine in a communion goblet at the age of 10, I remembered that feeling, and search for it all of my life. It got so, that if I found it, I couldn't stop there, I had to have that more.
Thanks for letting me share.
