Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2016

[bluidkiti]

April 18

Quote of the Week

"When I get the flu, I forget I was ever healthy."

I've heard that the "ism" in alcoholism can stand for many things, but my favorite is "incredibly short memory." In sobriety, this presents a double problem. First, having a disease that is constantly telling me I don't have it is hard enough, but because of its incredibly short memory, I often forget how bad things were. The trouble, the demoralization, the hopelessness are all forgotten when my memories are painted with the brush of alcoholism.

Second, my incredibly short memory also quickly forgets the good times I've had in sobriety and the possibilities and hope I felt even a few hours ago. An event, a mood, getting a cold, nearly anything can trigger my alcoholism and the color of my life quickly drains, leaving me in a black and barren place. With no hope, and no memory of the bad times, alcoholism has me right where it wants me.

This is why I go to meetings. In meetings I get the outside reminder of what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I get to hear my story come out of your mouth and suddenly my memory returns - it was bad, and I belong here. I also get reminded of the hope and possibilities I have as I see and participate in the miracles of your lives. And that's when the miracle of recovery happens for me, too. Once again I am safe, I have recovery, and my memory is working perfectly.

[bluidkiti]

April 25

Quote of the Week

"If I'm not the problem, then there is no solution."

When I came into the program, I had a lot of problems and most of them were your fault. My girlfriend didn't understand me; my boss didn't appreciate me; the police didn't like it when I drove after just a few drinks (I was fine!), and on and on. If everyone would just get off my back, then I’d be fine I thought.

When I began working my program, I was introduced to the 4th Step - made a searching and fearless moral inventory - and my sponsor showed me how to make a list of all the persons and institutions I resented. Finally I could put down on paper and document how I had been wronged. Perfect! I thought. But then he slipped in a fourth column called, "My Part", and told me to document my role in all my resentments and interactions.

Now that was a tough pill to swallow. With his help though, and a willingness to be fearless and thorough, I was able to see that I did have a part in them all. And what a gift that turned out to be! I discovered that if it was all your fault - and I certainly couldn't control or change you - then I would forever be a victim and nothing would change. But if I took responsibility for my part - which was something I could control and change - then I was released from the bondage of resentment and was finally free to live a new and better life. Thank God!

Today I understand the wisdom in the quote: "If I'm not the problem, then there is no solution."

[bluidkiti]

May 2

"If you don't have hope then death is a formality."

Before recovery, my life was spiraling out of control and each area just got worse and worse. I had lost my job; my relationships had all but ended, and I had lost hope of my future ever getting better. In some of the darker hours, death didn't seem so bad...

For a while, the only glimmer of hope I had came from the first few drinks I took. This instant euphoria didn't last, however, and soon I was once again mired in the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of my alcoholic bottom. It wasn't until I finally surrendered that real hope began to return.

I first saw this hope on the faces of people in meetings, and I heard it in their stories and witnessed it in the miracles taking place in their lives. Soon I believed there was a miracle waiting for me, too, and after a while I found that hope had returned, and I had begun to live again.

Today I have a healthy fear of death again, and I try to pack as much into the stream of life as I can.

[bluidkiti]

May 9

Quote of the Week

"Don't take yourself so **** seriously!"

When I came into the program, everything was a big deal, and I was very serious. My finances, my future, my wreaked relationships - everything was overwhelming. I remember attending meetings and hearing the laughter and thinking, "What's so **** funny? The only reason we're here is because our lives suck!" It took me quite a while before I could join in with that laughter, and the moment I did my life began to change.

As I got further into the program, that sense of impending doom began to dissipate, and I felt like I could breathe again. The secrets and shame I had hidden so long began to come out, and as I shared what was inside me with others, I began to feel lighter. I began to laugh more at myself and with others, and I finally began to feel human and a part of again. Most of all, I started to realize what was truly important.

Today I know that the future will take care of itself if I take care of today. I now have faith that there is a God working in my life and that even if things don't go my way, that's not only OK, it often turns out for the better. Today, money isn't as important as relationships, and the only thing that really matters is health and sobriety.

Today I've learned to live life on life's terms and, most of all, not to take myself so **** seriously.

[bluidkiti]

May 16

Quote of the Week

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

In early recovery I heard someone say that, "If you get a horse thief sober, all you have is a sober horse thief." I learned that the 12-step program is a program of recovery because it is a program of change. Just getting sober isn't enough. I have known many people who came into the program and stopped drinking but either delayed or didn't work the steps, and they soon found that they still had all the old problems, feelings and circumstances they had while drinking. Besides not drinking, not much had changed.

"The same man will drink again." Another saying I heard when I was new reveals yet another danger of not working the steps and so not changing. Driven and haunted by the pain of the old self, it is a short distance to the temporary relief and old solution of drinking. Once again, if nothing changes (besides not picking up a drink), nothing changes, and the same man will soon drink again.

"The only thing we have to change is everything." The miracle of the program comes as we work the steps, abandon our old ideas, and discard our old self. The big book tells us that we become "reborn" as a result of working the steps, and it is this new self that is capable of living a new life that is happy, joyous and free. The good news is that this total change is much easier than it sounds and a natural result of working the steps. Ultimately, everything changes as we change.

[bluidkiti]

May 23

Quote of the Week

"If you're feeling far away from God, you're the one who moved."

I remember sitting in meeting after meeting hearing people describe what their concept of God was. The one that resonated with me the most wasn't a God who caused or allowed good or bad things to happen, or judged or rewarded behavior, but rather the concept of a peaceful river. Someone told of their God who's love and peace flowed like a river and that the river was always there, always available to them. It was a constant source of serenity, understanding and forgiveness.

She then shared that whenever she was feeling scared or agitated or discontented, it was a sure sign that she had wandered away from the river of God. The further she strayed, the worse she felt. Sometimes she would travel for days and would find herself lost, seemingly alone and quite afraid.

During those times she needed only to stop and listen for the distant sound of the river. Immediately she would make her way back, and as she got closer, the familiar feeling of calm, peace and comfort would return. Once she was back at the river's edge, serenity returned and she was filled with gratitude knowing that God's grace and love was always available to her. For me, the presence of God is like this river.

And I know if I'm feeling far away from God, I'm the one who has moved.

[bluidkiti]

June 6

Quote of the Week

"The longer I'm sober, the drunker I was."

Denial is an amazing thing. When I first entered the program, I had no intention of staying sober longer than a few months; I just needed to pull things together a little, get myself under control again. I wasn't like the real alcoholics I heard share in meetings, and I was sure I could control my drinking again once I cooled it a bit. After all, it hadn't been that bad I told myself.

As the fog cleared, though, and I began journaling and working the steps, more began to be revealed to me. I especially remember sitting in meetings listening to people share about being arrested for drunk driving and thinking that never happened to me. I was sober over a year before I remembered that when I was seventeen I crashed my car into two parked cars and was arrested for reckless drunk driving. That was a humbling memory...

As I peel back the layers of my past and uncover the truth about my drinking and using history, I'm amazed at how lucky I've been. I've heard that prisons are packed with alcoholics and addicts who never found sobriety, and I now know I could easily have been one of them.

Today my denial is gone and the longer I stay sober, the drunker I realize I was.

[bluidkiti]

June 13

Quote of the Week

"There are no victims, only volunteers - you always have a choice."

This was a tough lesson to learn. When I was new to Al-Anon, I was a victim to so many people and situations and when I spoke to people about it, what I was hoping for was some sympathy and understanding. Imagine learning that I was instead a volunteer for the drama and pain in my life. That was a large pill to swallow.

And it didn't go down easily either. After I accepted I had a choice, and actually began exercising it by not engaging or by acting differently, other people got pretty upset. They were used to me playing a certain role and grew angry and resentful as I began to take different actions.

The breakthrough came as I persevered and worked the Al-Anon program. The miracle was that as I changed and recovered, the dynamics of my relationships changed, too. Suddenly, as I took more responsibility for myself, other people took more responsibility for themselves as well. As I focused on myself and recovered, other people and situations improved as well. It all started when I accepted my role as a volunteer and began making different choices.

[bluidkiti]

June 20

Quote of the Week

"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."

After I was in recovery a few years, I remember hearing some people sharing and thinking they were still clearly out of their minds. This scared me because I realized I relied on them to save my life. A week later, I remember sharing some of my own stuff and also realized that I, too, probably sounded kind of crazy as well. And that's when I heard this week's quote.

This quote means many things to me. To start with, it reminds me I still have the disease of addiction, and that my thinking will always be affected by it. It also reminds me that in the rooms I have the freedom to be myself - whatever that happens to be that day. In fact the saying, "Do you want to save your ass or your face", has literally saved my life a few times. It also reminds me "the reason we're all here is because we're not all there."

The hope and strength I take from these sayings is that alone I can't, but together we can. Together we make up the mosaic that is recovery and despite those times when I still feel a little crazy, I am comforted as I see the miracle still taking place in your life. Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.

Thank God the voice of recovery speaks through us all, one day at a time.

[bluidkiti]

June 27

Quote of the Week

"Resentment - Taking poison and hoping the other person dies."

Boy was this a shocker the first time I heard it. I was new in recovery and I had so many resentments that I didn't even know about them all yet. What I also didn't realize was that the people, places and things I resented didn't know or care about how I felt. The only person suffering from my resentments was me.

When I started working the fourth step - made a searching and fearless moral inventory - I began to see all the resentments I had secretly been harboring. As I uncovered, discovered and then discarded them, I felt a new freedom and a sense of peace and happiness came into my life.

Today, I understand the danger and futility of having resentments. Today I prefer to remain comfortable in my own skin so whenever I'm upset or feeling slighted, I look for my part and clean my side of the street. If I'm still feeling resentful, I pray for the other person for two weeks - this always works.

Today, I no longer let resentments poison me, because today I choose to live happy, joyous and free.

[Rockinbigdaddy]

"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one
that makes the quarrel."

[bluidkiti]

July 4

Quote of the Week

"Behaviors are like tennis rackets; if yours is broken, get a new one.”

A woman at a meeting shared that behaviors are like tennis rackets. While a tennis racket works for a while - years even - eventually the strings wear out, the grip comes apart, and after a while you have to get a new one. She said that for years she was using rackets of behavior long after they had stopped working. It was only after she 'got a new racket' that her life improved.

When I was new to recovery, I had a lot of old, worn out rackets, too. What I didn't realize was that the reason my life wasn't working was because I kept trying to use them to achieve different results. When I spoke with my sponsor about it, he told me that unless I worked the steps and changed the way I thought and acted, the results in my life would stay the same.

Today, I'm much better at recognizing my old rackets of behaviors, and, thankfully, I'm more willing to try something different. Today when areas of my life aren't working I know to look at my behavior, talk to someone in the program and pray for guidance. Today when my racket isn't working, I'm quick to get a new one.

Today I know that I can't win if I continue to play with an old racket.

[bluidkiti]

July 11

Quote of the Week

"Just another Bozo on the bus"

All my life I’ve been taught to do whatever I could to be the best. In school my parents drove me to work harder than everyone else so I could get A’s and stand out. In athletics my coaches drilled us to practice harder and then pushed us to give it all we had so we could win it all. When I began working professionally, it was very clear that average performance would get you fired, and that if you wanted to excel and move up, you had to work harder and be better than everyone around you. Even when I partied, I prided myself on being about to out drink and out use you as well…

Because of this, when I entered the program my ego was accustomed to comparing and to finding ways of proving I was better than you. When I heard some people’s stories, I immediately felt better than because I had never done that. And when it was suggested that I clean the coffee mugs after a meeting, I thought that was beneath me; I mean, don’t you know who I am? All these feelings of entitlement and imagined privilege nearly sabotaged my recovery, but luckily I heard today’s quote and was able to humble myself long enough to truly understand it.

My sponsor explained to me that if I wanted to get and stay sober, then I had to deflate my ego and learn to become, “right-sized.” He told me that I wasn’t any worst or any better than anybody else, I was simply a child of God. He suggested that I would get along with people better and live more comfortably in my own skin if I could begin striving to become “average.” It took a lot of years for me to see the wisdom in this kind of thinking and living, but now I’m truly happier trying to be just another Bozo on the bus.

[bluidkiti]

July 18

Quote of the Week

"Age will take care of your ego."

When I was young, I was filled with “piss and vinegar” – and ego. It was all about what I wanted, what I thought I deserved, and I didn’t think twice about how I got it. As my drinking and drug use got worse, my ego only seemed to grow. Isolated in the prison of self, with only self-seeking and self-centered motives, I finally hit a bottom. In that brief moment of desperation, my ego was temporarily defeated, and I surrendered enough to enter the program.

As I began working the Steps, and as my life got better, my ego rebounded. It was a constant struggle to rein it in. Thankfully with the help of my sponsor, the support of the fellowship, and by working the Twelve Steps, I was able to humble it enough to grow beyond its insatiable demands. I am grateful to how the Steps are structured, and especially to Steps Ten through Twelve, which allow me to keep my ego in check.

Now that I’m older and in a different stage of my life, the things that were so important to me – money, property and prestige – are more in the rear view mirror, and I am glad I’ve grown past them. Today, being comfortable in my own skin and grateful for what I have is much more satisfying than any of the things my ego thought I needed to be happy. I heard someone say that when you get older only two things really matter: having health and time. When I was younger those two things weren’t even on my list. But now, with a little bit of wisdom and a lot of recovery, I see the truth in today’s quote: age does take care of your ego.

[bluidkiti]

July 25

Quote of the Week

“Never look down on someone unless you’re helping them up.”

I used to love taking other people’s inventory. My fragile ego thrived on looking down on others, reveling on those who had less, made less, or weren’t as smart as I thought I was. By constantly comparing myself to others, I could always justify my behavior, and regardless of how bad I did, I was always doing better than most of the people I looked down on. By denigrating and devaluing other people and their experiences, I became not only numb to them, but to myself as well.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I brought my twisted perspective with me. I immediately began judging and looking down on others, disregarding their experience and unique challenges. Soon I found myself alone, bitter and feeling apart from again. I nearly went out. Once again it was my sponsor who helped me locate the inferiorities and fears within myself that caused me to put others down so I could feel better. Through working the Steps, I began to realize that everyone’s path is different, and that if I were in their shoes, dealing with what they had to go through, I might have done much worse. It was a revelation that truly humbled me.

Today I have learned to step back and view others with empathy. Because my ego is more right sized – I am no better nor worse than you – I no longer have to look down on you to feel better. Today I can look you in the eyes and understand we are the same. Today I look to help you, because when I do, I am helping myself and all others in the program get better.

Today, when I’m looking down on someone, it’s because I’m trying to help them up.