Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2016

[bluidkiti]

August 1

Quote of the Week

"It’s not about letting God in today, it’s about letting God out."

For years I hoarded all the good that was inside me. The capacity I had to be of service, to care for others, to truly make a difference in other people’s life, I diverted to serve and advance my own selfish needs and wants. When you needed help, my first thought was, “What’s in it for me?” If I couldn’t find a compelling answer to that question, I wouldn’t bother. This attitude left me barren of feeling, alone and self-destructive.

In early recovery, I was still pretty shut down and unwilling to help or participate. When others offered to help me, I was suspicious of their motives. “What’s in it for them?” was my reaction, and I remained distrustful for quite a while. It took contrary action for me to follow my sponsor’s direction to be of service at meetings, to take commitments like greeting people, or cleaning up afterwards, or going out to fellowship. Although I was convinced I would get nothing out of it, over time I found I was wrong.

There is a saying in the rooms that recovery is simply a matter of one alcoholic helping another. The miracle of the program is that this simple act of giving without the expectation of getting anything back is how it all works. The innate capacity in us to love, to give and to be of service reflect the same qualities of the God within us all. The magic and healing of recovery come from letting this energy of God out, rather than damning it in to benefit ourselves. As the poet Browning said, the ultimate goal of us all is to, “set the imprisoned splendor free.”

And that’s why today it’s not so much about letting God in, but letting God out.

[bluidkiti]

August 8

Quote of the Week

“If you think you want a drink, just roll the tape to the end.”

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It’s the only disease that constantly tells me I don’t have a disease. That’s why sometimes, and without warning, I’ll find myself nursing the idea that a drink might be a good idea. A nice cold beer at a barbecue; a glass of red wine at dinner; a colorful cocktail at a chic bar. If I just think about the drink, I could be thinking myself into big trouble…

At the meetings I attend, there are recovery slogans on the wall. “One day at a time,” and “Live and let live,” and such. There is also a slogan that is hung upside down, and it is “Think, Think, Think.” When I asked my sponsor why it is upside down, he told me it was for two reasons. One is that most alcoholic’s thinking is twisted when it comes to alcohol, and two, it’s upside down so you notice it the most – it’s that important.

When I “think” past the drink, and roll the tape to the consequences of where that drink will lead me, I recoil as if from a hot flame. The illusion of fun and easy times is replaced by the hopelessness and incomprehensible demoralization I’ve experienced before – and that I know will come again from picking up that first drink. Today I am able to think my way to the inevitable, miserable end and so save myself and others from the hurt and suffering that alcohol has always caused me.

[bluidkiti]

August 15

Quote of the Week

"Meeting Makers Make It"

When I was 90 days sober, I saw a guy take a seven year anniversary cake. He talked about how grateful he was, about his sponsor and sponsees, and how he still went to at least five meetings every week. I was appalled! Seven years sober and he still went to that many meetings?! In fact, still went to meetings at all? If he could go seven years without a drink, wasn’t he better by now?

After the meeting I asked my sponsor how long I would have to go to meetings, and he said I’d have to keep going until I actually wanted to go to meetings. This made no sense to me at the time because going to meetings didn’t seem to be an option, but rather an obligation. I knew that if I didn’t go, then I’d soon be drinking and using again. I also harbored the idea that one day I would graduate. I’d learn how to control the urge to drink and would be normal again. I soon learned differently.

The longer I went to meetings, the more I discovered that those people taking cakes for longer term sobriety were the same ones who consistently went to meetings. The other people who I say occasionally and then stopped seeing eventually went out. And that’s when I made the connection: meetings makers make it. I realized that in order to retain the sense of ease and comfort I’d found, I needed to keep receiving the message of experience, strength, and hope I heard in meetings.

Today, gratefully, I want to keep attending meetings, and now as an ‘old-timer’ I realize that by consistently making meetings, I’ve been able to keep making it.

[bluidkiti]

August 22

Quote of the Week

“You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.”

After a meeting the other day, a newcomer with 71 days asked me to sign his court card. “How’s it going?” I asked him. He told me it was tough – his wife and kids and job were demanding, and all his friends were still drinking and using. He said he was just trying to hang on. I asked him how sobriety was going and he said he felt awkward in meetings – he didn’t really know what to share and was afraid of looking uncool or stupid, so he just didn’t say much. That’s when I told him that he couldn’t save his face and his ass at the same time.

When he asked me what exactly that meant, I told him my experience when I was new. When I got to the rooms I was quietly dying inside, but I was desperate for people to like me. I wanted to fit in, to say the right things and to be a part of. I was pretty sure that if I told you how I really felt: scared, ashamed, angry, that you wouldn’t want me there, so I smiled and just said I was fine. I was saving my face, but my ass was on fire and falling off.

When my sponsor directed me to start being honest, to share what was really going on, things immediately changed. First, you didn’t reject me; instead you opened up to me and let me know that you felt the same way, too. After opening up, I also felt great relief and my days starting going better. Most of all, though, I learned that it was O.K. to have feelings and that my feelings weren’t going to kill me – and they weren’t going to drive you away either. Suddenly I saw the wisdom in saving my ass first.

By doing that, I was able to discover my real face and found that it would be accepted for who I truly was.

[bluidkiti]

August 29

Quote of the Week

“Stick with the winners.”

In high school I was pretty much a loner until I discovered alcohol and drugs. The moment I did, I began hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. I started ditching classes to get high with the stoners, and hanging out at night drinking and going to parties. I soon became the lower companion parents told their kids to stay away from. While other students were concerned about their GPA's and picking colleges, I was considered one the losers who would be working a minimum wage job after school – which is exactly what happened.

When I entered recovery and started going to meetings, I saw that there were two kinds of people there. There were the ones who participated by greeting or setting up the meetings, and then there were those at the edge of the street smoking and flicking their butts on the sidewalk. There were those who sat near the front of the room and raised their hands to share, and then there were those who sat in the back and talked or who spent more time on their cell phones than listening. There were those who stayed after the meeting and thanked the speaker or reached out to others or helped clean up, and there were those who left early and were never seen at fellowship.

Right from the beginning, my sponsor taught me to “stick with the winners.” He always sat us in the front row and told me to greet any newcomers after the meeting by offering my time and asking how they were doing. He taught me to participate in meetings by taking commitments that got me involved and encouraged me to interact with others. By doing these things I was able to forge strong connections with other people who were committed to their recovery. As a result, I had a solid base of people and relationships to draw upon when things got tough – which they did.

Today, I still look for those people who are working the program because I know that by continuing to “stick with the winners,” I’ll become a winner myself.

[bluidkiti]

September 5

Quote of the Week

“The worst vice is advice.”

Everybody has an opinion. And before recovery, I would readily give you mine. It didn’t matter if you asked for it or not; it didn’t matter whether I had ever taken the advice myself to see if it worked; and it didn’t matter if it made you feel better or worse – I was addicted to giving advice, and if you were nearby, you’d get it. As you can imagine, I was pretty obnoxious to be around, and all my advice didn’t seem to help anybody. In fact most people grew to resent me, and as fewer people called my circle of friends grew smaller and smaller.

When I entered the program, I still had a lot of advice to give, but my sponsor suggested I listen to what others had to say for a while. When I kept trying to tell him my good ideas, he pointed out that my best thinking got me a seat in a recovery meeting. When I persisted and tried to tell him about relationships, and career choices, and investing, he told me people might not be interested given that I was single, unemployed and broke. That kind of put me in my place…

What I learned by listening to others share is that they didn’t have advice. Instead, they offered their experience, strength and hope. If someone didn’t have direct experience to share, then they would encourage me to find someone who did. Over time I learned that advice is worthless without compassion, understanding and experience that comes from a shared point of view.
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Today I don’t offer advice on things I don’t have experience with, and I don’t give it unless I’m asked for it.

[bluidkiti]

September 12

Quote of the Week

“I’ll never be alright until it’s all alright now.”

I’ve always lived waiting for some future time or event to make me happy. “When I meet ‘her’ then I’ll be happy.” “As soon as I make enough money, then I’ll be alright.” “When I finally pay off my house, then I’ll feel secure.” Happiness, security, feeling alright was always tied to something I didn’t have right now – and that meant that in the present I was always irritable, restless or discontented. It was no wonder that I drank and used all the time.

In recovery, I learned a whole new way to live, and I was given tools to help me be present. “One day at a time,” was a huge help as I despaired at remaining sober forever. When I started worrying about not having enough money or health or companionship next month or next year, my sponsor would ask me if I had everything I needed right now. As we went through it, I admitted I had a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food to eat and a whole fellowship to draw support from. These and other tools helped me to stay present and appreciate that right now, I was alright.

I once read a saying by Pascal that really resonated with me: “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” And that’s when I finally understood it all. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what’s going on is the path to the happiness, security and contentment I always sought in some future event. The miracle is that this feeling is available to me right now, right here. In fact, I already have it.

Through working the Steps, I have discovered how to be alright, right now.

[bluidkiti]

September 19

Quote of the Week

“We never know the difference between a tragedy and a blessing.”

When I got sober and stopped doing drugs and drinking, I thought it was the worst tragedy ever. First, I thought I could never go to Europe again – I mean who could enjoy England without going into a pub and having a pint? And could you imagine a café in Paris without a glass of wine? And how about all those special times like New Year’s Eve, weddings, weekend parties, etc.? Everybody would be drinking and enjoying themselves, and I would be stuck in a corner alone and hating it. Tragedy? It was like the enjoyment of the rest of my life was gone for good.

As I worked the Steps in recovery I began taking inventories of my drinking and using career. What emerged wasn’t a pattern of drinking like other people and enjoying parties, but of getting drunk, blacking out, and engaging in humiliating behaviors. During my last trip to Paris, I realized all I wanted to do was drink red wine, not visit museums or monuments. I even sent a postcard to my best friend saying I should have just stayed home, bought a case of French wine and saved myself the $3,000 it took to travel. After remaining sober a few years, though, a new pattern developed – I began enjoying life in a rich and meaningful way.

What started out as a tragedy – getting sober – has turned out to be the biggest blessing of my life. My life today is indescribably better than I could have ever hoped for. And what it all comes down to for me is that today I try to do God’s will rather than my own. My wife and I now look at things differently. When something doesn’t work out the way we hoped, we now ask, “Is that a bad thing?” Instead of getting upset that we didn’t get our way, we now wait to see what God has in store for us. So many times what ends up happening is much better than what we had in mind.

Today, I have the wisdom to look beyond a seeming tragedy and look for the blessing instead.

[bluidkiti]

September 26

Quote of the Week

“My brain is like a photographer’s dark room; the only thing I develop is negative.”

Towards the end of my drinking I was as much addicted to negative thinking as I was drugs and alcohol. Alcoholism robbed me of hope, took away possibilities of happiness, and the only snapshots of the future I could see were dark and blurry. As I descended further into the abyss, I was convinced that things weren’t ever going to get better, and somewhere deep inside I had given up. When I finally got some help, my sponsor told me I had reached my bottom.

When I began to recover by working the Steps, I learned that alcoholism is a disease. At first I didn’t believe that – instead I thought I was just weak willed. But after listening to hundreds of other alcoholics share the same dark fears and feelings that I had, I realized the common characteristics of alcoholism: self-loathing, negative thinking and utter defeat. To recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind, my sponsor told me I needed to work the Steps and experience the spiritual transformation that God would make possible.

While I didn’t believe that would happen for me, I am grateful to report that it did. Today I have a different, more positive voice inside that comes from my true self, from the child of God that I actually am. Recovery has returned the hope and happiness that I believe God wants for me, and today I experience those feelings by doing what God wants me to do – help other alcoholics recover and discover His light.

Today in the darkroom of my mind, I develop some beautiful images and pictures of a life that is happy, joyous and free.

[bluidkiti]

October 3

Quote of the Week

“Keep the broom on your side of the street.”

It is so easy for me to point my finger and judge. “He’s not open minded enough.” “She should stop telling people what to do.” “He’s driving like a jerk.” “She’s not raising her kids right,” etc. By constantly criticizing and condemning others, it’s also easy to avoid looking at my own behavior. It’s easy for me to become self-righteous, and from that high perch I ultimately find myself disliked and alone. When my big ego isn’t getting the attention it thinks it deserves, it’s easy to get on my pity pot and think poor me, poor me, heck, I should pour myself a drink!

When I entered the program, I was still pointing fingers. “I drank because she didn’t understand me.” “I used because my boss was unreasonable and demanding.” “I’m an alcoholic because my dad was one.” My sponsor showed me that when I was pointing my finger at others, three fingers were pointing back. He encouraged me to work my Fourth Step to see what my part might be in my resentment and judgements, and that’s when my recovery began.

By turning my magic magnifying mind away from others and onto my part, I began to see that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. I soon found that I wasn’t so open minded either. I loved telling people what to do, and I was often the one in back of you honking my horn. My sponsor helped me see that any fault I could spot in others meant that I had the same one in myself. He taught me that by working hard to eliminate my own character defects, I would be able to free myself and others from unkind and unnecessary judgement.
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By doing so, I finally learned the wisdom and benefit of keeping the broom on my side of the street.

[bluidkiti]

October 10

Quote of the Week

“When I am in my head, I am with the last person I got drunk with.”

This quote reminds me still that my best thinking got me a seat in recovery. That by myself, my solutions to my problems are still self-serving and often driven by fear. Before recovery it was this inner voice that drove me, and just so long as I followed its advice, just that long was I going to remain selfish and alone and drunk. It wasn’t until I surrendered my thinking and let someone else inside that I began to recover.

When I was new to sobriety, I was desperately afraid of telling you what was really going on in my head. If you knew what craziness brewed in there, what resentment, hatred, and despair went through my mind, I was sure you would ban me from the rooms. But you didn’t. When I finally began to reveal myself, something miraculous happened. I was accepted, along with all my thoughts and faults, and I was shown the way to freedom from bondage of self. That path, I learned, was to let others in.
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I was taught right from the beginning that this was a “we” program, and for me to recover I needed to find someone I could tell the truth to. By letting others know what was really going on inside my head and by surrendering my thoughts and actions to God, I began to change. And as I continued to take contrary action to what my head told me to do, I began, one day at a time, to overcome my character defects. By growing in this way, I began feeling a part of the fellowship and a part of life. Today I try to stay out of my head, because when I’m alone with myself, I know that I’m with the last person I got drunk with – and that’s still not a good thing.

[bluidkiti]

October 17

Quote of the Week

“Pain transformed by the Twelve Steps is no longer pain transmitted.”

When I came into the program I carried a lot of pain with me. There was the pain from living daily in an abusive alcoholic household, then the pain from an oppressive and emotionally abusive stepfather, and then years of self-inflicted drug and alcohol abuse. The pain I had was palpable, and every relationship I had felt the impact of my pain. I was passive aggressive at work, jealous and tyrannical in relationships, and towards myself I was self-destructive and resentful.

When I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, the Step I feared the most was Step Four. To me, doing a Fourth Step was like climbing down a ladder into a pit of pain and shame and fear that I was sure was going to swallow me up. I couldn’t imagine that there was another side of that darkness, and it took months for me to complete that fearless and thorough inventory. Once through the Step Five, however, I began to see a new light in my life, and I began to sense the freedom I had heard others in the program talk about.
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Through working the rest of the Steps, I was able to shine the light of a healing and loving Higher Power on the pain and secrets that fueled my character defects. As I made amends, my connection to others, to God, and to myself was restored. As the promises came true for me I realized that the Twelve Steps had transformed not only my pain, but my whole life. For the first time ever I was able to live comfortably in my own skin, and today what I have to transmit is experience, strength and hope.

[bluidkiti]

October 24

Quote of the Week

“I’ve never regretted something I didn’t say…”

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me when I arrived in the rooms. Before recovery I was quick to speak my mind even when my mind wasn’t made up – it didn’t matter. I was quick to retaliate for perceived wrongs, quick to take your inventory when I was feeling less than, and quick to tear you down to make myself feel better. And if I had been drinking, the insults, judgements and condemnations flowed even more. Afterwards, regret was heavy and the familiar feelings of shame would descend forcing me to retreat into the bottle once again.

When I got sober I heard the saying that feelings weren’t facts. As such, I was told that I didn’t have to act on every feeling I had, instead I could write about it, pray about it, and share them with other people. I could restrain from acting on them and wait until I had a clear direction as to how to react. What I found was that nine times out of ten the feelings would pass, and I was glad I hadn’t acted on them. I was also relieved that I had less regrets because I hadn’t said hurtful things.

Now that I’m sober a while I still have to be constantly vigilant about acting on or saying things that I might regret later. For instance, in my new neighborhood, a neighbor’s dog barks pretty much constantly and I’m pretty annoyed. I’ve written a letter expressing how I feel, but I haven’t delivered it yet. As time passes I’ve been very relieved as I know I’ve avoided the guilt and shame that I would feel if the neighborhood discovered I was the letter writer. And besides, when I’m in my house, I don’t even hear the dog!

Today I really feel the truth in the words: “I’ve never regretted something I didn’t say…”

[bluidkiti]

October 31

Quote of the Week

“Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?”

This quote could easily have said “thought” or “worried” about it as much as “talked” about it. That’s because before recovery that’s all I did with my problems. Around and around I’d go, rehashing problems, painting the same dark scenarios and obsessing myself into depression. And if you were around, I’d drag you down with me. Because I didn’t have a Higher Power in my life, there was never the thought of turning it over. Instead, it was just me and my problems – or worse – my solutions to my problems.

When I entered recovery, I was taught that I no long had to be alone. First, I discovered a fellowship of other alcoholics who had overcome the same problems I had, and they offered suggestions and solutions that had worked for them. Next I was introduced to the Twelve Steps which offered a way out of my old self and my old thinking. Finally, I found my Higher Power and through much practice I came to believe that He could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, my life changed.

Through prayer and meditation I have learned how to strengthen my conscious contact with God, and I have been given the gift of a transformed life and way of living. Today, I know that I am no longer alone, and that I no longer have to carry a burden or problem by myself. My Higher Power is always there and ready to help if I am willing to turn my will and life over to Him.

Today when I find myself talking or thinking or worrying too much, I remember to start praying. The right solutions always come when I do.

[bluidkiti]

November 7

Quote of the Week

“I want to be a doctor, but I don’t want to become a doctor.”

When I was in my disease I was driven by a huge sense of entitlement. Rather than be a good partner in a relationship, I just did what I wanted and expected my girlfriends to put up with me. At work I felt my employer was lucky to have me show up – so I didn’t understand when he got angry when I was late or when I did a mediocre job. In college I expected good grades because I paid my tuition and even took notes sometimes. In everything I did, I expected the top end result even if I wasn’t willing to work for it. My attitude was, “don’t you know who I am?”

When I entered the program, I had hit an emotional, physical, and spiritual bottom. When I persisted in magical, selfish thinking and complained to my sponsor that I didn’t want to get sober, I already wanted to be sober, he told me that like everything else, there were no short cuts. He told me that if I wanted to have the experience and sense of ease and comfort that comes from being recovered, then I had to do what everyone else did in the program: I had to work the Steps, one day at a time. He told me that if I was willing to do that, then I would experience the miracle of the program.
By following my sponsor’s direction and working all Twelve Steps, and by writing additional inventories, making amends to others (and myself), and by asking God to remove the character defects that have kept me apart from others, I came to understand the value of putting in the time and effort. Today I know that if I want to attain something, or become something, then I can – as long as I’m willing to work for it. And by learning the lessons of the program – like breaking down seemingly impossible goals into the next indicated actions, by suiting up and showing up, and by turning the results over to my Higher Power, I’ve been able to build an amazing life – all one day at a time.