Language of Letting Go - May 2014

[MajestyJo]

Many times my son has ate in soup kitchens and in shelters, because like you say, you can't cushion the bottom so they want to continue using. I don't mind helping someone who is staying clean. It is another thing to help to allow them to continue to use. Sometimes, with my son it is a hard line to discriminate because the addict isn't always able to be honest with you let alone with himself.

Enabling is allowing the disease to continue unchecked in a person's life. If there are no consequences, why should they stop using.

What I find difficult is when I don't hear from and I don't know if he is alive or dead. Yet that isn't his problem, it is mine. It is my control issues and something I hav been trying to work on. I love him no matter what he chooses to do. I just don't like his actions.

I am always willing to help him if he is willing to help himself. If I do give out money as a response to a plea, then I ask myself 1) Can I afford to give it away and 2) Is my giving him this enabling him to continue using. If the answer is no, he doesn't get. I can't give them to him even when he lived in another province and talks of going back there. He knows what he has to face, he saw a documentary on Hasting Street where he used to live. He like the province, but he can't enjoy the blessing if he doesn't choose sobriety.

The last time I talked to him, he said it all. He wasn't ready to be honest. He never had an open mind and wasn't willing to stay sober. That is his choice, he has been in treatment many times, and he knows there is another way and doesn't want to go there.

This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

[MajestyJo]

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Self Doubt

A married woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. "I want to separate from my husband," she sobbed. "I can't stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me," she said, "do you think I can take care of myself?"
—Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ourselves -- whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn't mean we won't have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice "courageous vulnerability," as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.

As I have said many times before, my co-sponsor told me early in recovery, "If you are doubting yourself, you are doubting your God."

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, May 29, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Powerlessness and Unmanageability

Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

"I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.

I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me. I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy.

What I'm saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!

By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.

I am powerless over people, places, and things. My life is unmanageable when managed by me.

[MajestyJo]

Friday, May 30, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Commitment

As we walk through life, there are many things and people we may lose, or lose out on, if we are unwilling to commit. We need to make a commitment for relationships to grow beyond the dating stage, to have the home or apartment we want, the job we want, or the car we desire.

We must commit, on deep levels, to careers, to goals, to family, friends, and recovery. Trying something will not enable us to succeed. Committing ourselves will.

Yet, we need never commit before we are ready.

Sometimes, our fear of commitment is telling us something. We may not want to commit to a particular relationship, purchase, or career. Other times, it is a matter of our fears working their way out. Wait, then. Wait until the issue becomes clear.

Trust yourself. Ask your Higher Power to remove your fear of commitment. Ask God to remove your blocks to commitment. Ask God for guidance.

Ask yourself if you are willing to lose what you will not commit too. Then listen, quietly. And wait until a decision seems consistently right and comfortable.

We need to be able to commit, but we need never commit until we are ready. Trust that you will commit when you want to.

God, guide me in making my commitments. Give me the courage to make those that are right for me, the wisdom to not commit to that which does not feel right, and the patience to wait until I know.

When it came to committing to recovery, I felt like I had no choice, it was live or die.

Through working the steps, I tried to not take on things that I couldn't commit to. In recent years, I said, "Yes" and found that the mind was willing but the flesh is weak. I finally had to accept, "God Willing," and if possible, I will be there. I had to quit my community service, working at an internet cafe as a volunteer.

[MajestyJo]

Saturday, May 31, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

What If?

I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.

"What if he doesn't handle it very well?" I asked.

"Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."

What if's can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else's hands. What if's are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.

What if's are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.

The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don't need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome - even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.

Today, I will not worry about other people's reactions or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Not one of my favourite phrases, what is is, and can not be changed. When I question myself, I question my God, especially if I have invited Him along for the day.