Step Four Study

[MajestyJo]

Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking. We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible. We have drunk for vain glory--that we might the more enjoy foolish dreams of pomp and power. This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon. Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.

AA 12 Steps & Traditions




The more I drank, the more it took to reach that feeling I was always searching for. When I found it, I couldn't stop there. I always had to have more. Friends stopped coming around. Family stopped visiting. It was my drunken husband. It was always his fault. Yet the screaming shrew and controlling wench that I had become was not a nice person to be around.

When I used it was generally to suppress a feeling. If I expressed it, I could be ridiculed, put down or hit. Prescription pills were like dried up alcohol for me. I had blackouts with them more so than with alcohol. I didn't think I had blackouts with alcohol. I remembered what I did the night before and often wished I didn't. I would have been nice to have it cloaked in the darkness of the unknown. The guilt and remorse often had me agonizing for days. Drank for that false courage that allowed you to be ten feet tall and bullet proof. It was my coping tool. It allowed me to get out of the way and let this new person out who could do what I couldn't do. It didn't replace the fear with faith, it just allowed me to pretend it wasn't there. The blanket of denial hides many things.

I remember going with my boyfriend of the time into the Skyline Hotel near Toronto Airport. We went into the lounge to have drink why we waited for his order to be placed at Chrysler. For this country bumpkin, this was the big time. Having a drink in the afternoon was such a big deal and made me feel like I was one of the 'in' people, the cat's meow, and I was so full of myself, it is wonder both feet stayed on the ground. I was 27. This is the same guy who drank two 26s before you knew he was drunk. When I started going with him, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up because he drank so fast. The insanity of this disease!
This same boyfriend's boss told him I was too good for him. We went to a new opening of a bar in Alliston. We met up with Johnny Sombrero who was a leader of a motorcycle gang and were invited up to his suite to continue the party after the bar closed. Johnny only drank champagne. He touched me on my arm and said, "When Johnny is talking to you, you look at Johnny." I had dared to look over at my boyfriend while he was talking to me. At 4 p.m. my boyfriend offered to get a cab to take me home. It was about 40 miles. I said, "You always got me home before, I trust you." He said, "I don't know if I can trust myself." He drove about 100-120 miles an hour down the middle of the highway. In later years I often wondered how far away from my place he got before he blacked out or if he had been in a black out while he was driving. Many years later in recovery, I met a fellow and shared with him about drinking with Johnny. This guy knew him and said, "Anyone who was good enough to drink with Johnny, is someone I trust and we shared a lot together over the years." You never know when one of those old experiences will help you in today. it wasn't a moment I was proud of and yet I found myself sharing it, which turned out to be for the Higher Good of all.

This same man was a salesman. He ordered a new Fury III and I told him I didn't like the color he ordered it in. I didn't like blue. He changed the work order. He ordered it forest green with black interior. He called me to say it was in. It was sold before I got to ride in it. Vain glory! How important we like to think we are. When we broke up, he said, "You don't love me, you love what I can give you." Later to see he was right. I loved the attention, the trip down the fast lane, the little treats and surprises. He was a big man. He loved to dance. It was nothing to drive two hours to go someplace to party. When you are put on a pedestal, it is a long way down when you fall off.

To be conintued...