Step Four Study

[MajestyJo]

The sponsors of those who feel they need no inventory are confronted with quite another problem. This is because people who are driven by pride of self unconsciously blind themselves to their liabilities. These newcomers scarcely need comforting. The problem is to help them discover a chink in the walls their ego has built, through which the light of reason can shine. First off, they can be told that the majority of A.A. members have suffered severely from self-justification during their drinking days. For most of us, self-justification was the maker of excuses; excuses, of course, for drinking, and for all kinds of crazy and damaging conduct. We had made the invention of alibis a fine art. We had to drink because times were hard or times were good. We had to drink because at home we were smothered with love or got none at all.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions


This has been one of my bigger defects of character. All my life I had to justify who I was and what I did. It started with the drinking, thinking I had to be social and keep up! Then with my husband, drank because I couldn't stand being with him unless I was drinking. I had no respect for him drunk and had none at all when I was sober and yet I stayed in that abusive relationship for seven years. My alibi was that I had lost everything as a result of him and had no where to go. We were living in a shack in the country. It was 3 miles by road and two by railroad track to go to the Legion. I say that instead of to the Village because that was generally the reason to go there. One day I walked 9 miles. I vowed that as soon as we moved back into civilization I was going to dump him. There never seemed to be a right time. I finally kicked him out with no food in the house and 50 cents in my wallet.

Never saw it as ego. I will never forget the night I stood up at my group speaking for a 3 year anniversary and saying, "I just found out I had an ego, I thought it was a man thing!" The looks were priceless.

I had the same hard luck story. If you had been beaten like I had. If you had a husband like mine, you would drink too. "If" the biggest word in the dictionary.

I think a lot of it stemmed from put downs and mental abuse. I felt like I had to justify my existance and my reason for being. Who asked for your opinion? What made you think your opinion matters? What makes you think what you have to say is important? If you weren't so stupid...! If you weren't so ugly! The tune changed from "No wife of mine is going to work, quit your job!" to "Get off your fat ass and go find a job." This is after he sold my car without my permission and ruined the other one. I had two cars going into the marriage and ended up with none.

In early recovery, I found myself justifying things because I had no self-esteem and self-worth. There was nothing of me left. It is a good thing that this is a program of practice.

I try to stay away from abuse. Words hurt leave a bigger scar than a fist! They are invisible and yet I have shed a lot of tears over them. Just last night I shed some more of them. A lot of them were a result of anger at myself for going back there.

To be continued...