Step Four Study

[MajestyJo]

Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn't looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these self same defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.

Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection, it is wise to write out our questions and answers. It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.

AA 12 Steps & Traditions


Justification and rationalization kept me sick for a long time. One of the biggest things that I learned was that I was as sick as my secrets. As long as I kept things buried and didn't bring them out into the open, they continued to fester and generally made themselves known through anger and depression.

It was important to remember that it was my disease that made me do a lot of the things I did. It took over my body, mind and spirit and changed me into a person that I found hard to recognize. I was raised to be a lady and for some reason, I spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't and resented it when the 'lady' came out.

The survivor, the masculine side, took over and the feminine side languished behind. It was like if you thought I was a lady I would say or do something to disprove it. A lot of it was a defense against my own pain and guilt. Old tapes and mixed messages lead to a multitude of sins. Every step I took was in fear expecting to be struck down by the wrath of God. I didn't want to go within and look at who I was or who I had been or where I had gone. Yet the only way to make changes was to look to see what was there and what needed changing. What no longer served it's purpose. It was very overwhelming and yet I was reminded that I didn't get sick overnight, so I can't expect to get better over night.

As I peeled back the layers and opened my soul to the Light, I healed and I got better. As I grew in honesty and awareness, I had to do another Fourth Step. As more things were revealed, as memories returned, I was able to see a clearer picture. The most important part was to find the goodness to balance out the negative in my life. It wasn't about the other person. It wasn't about the abuser and the ridiculer, it was about me and my attitude.

May the White Light of Love and the Spirit of the Universe surround each and everyone of you that you too may find the healing and the blessing that I have received on my journey to recovery.

What you need most of all to do this step is a Sponsor you can trust and communicate with.

Love Always, Jo