"Deliverance From A Living Hell"
 

When I took that first drink of alcohol, I passed through the gates of
Hell
Life was one big party after the other, too many to tell
As I traveled along this path of Hell
The parties became fewer as did my drinking buddies that I thought I
knew so well
I started isolating myself in this living Hell
I didn't need anyone or anything else I told myself
Misery and loneliness became my buddies in this living Hell
God, someone please help me I would yell
I found myself at the end of the road of this living Hell
Worn down and broken from the many times I had fell
I began to pray to God for deliverance from this living Hell
I saw this door opening, I walked through it out of this living Hell
On the other side were many good people waiting with arms opened wide
I stepped into their arms, I had nothing else to hide
They eagerly shared with me how I, too, could live life without alcohol
again
Through AA and God, our Higher Power!  Amen!!

Written by:  Tammy B  3/4/98
 
 

As you can see I wrote that back in 98, after coming to AA in November
97.  My life drinking was a living hell.  It may not started out that
way but that is what it became.  Alcohol ruled me.  I was its slave.  I
couldn't live with it and I couldn't live without it.  After coming to
AA, I struggled for a few more years going in and out.  Each time was
worse than the time before and I would go down quicker and faster each
time.

Why I got sober on June 23rd

Because I was finally ready - I had had enough after drinking for over
20 years.  I was finally willing to go to any lengths and do God's will
not mine.  My desire to be sober was very much stronger than my desire
to drink.  I had made several attempts over the last several years to
get sober and stay sober.  A couple of times I made 4- 5 months prior to

coming into AA in 1997.  I came into AA in '97 after CPA (Child
Protection Agency) threatened to take my children away from me.  After a
night of drinking, my oldest daughter (who was 8 at the time) found me
on the living room floor on the morning of November 24, 1997.  She tried
to "wake" me but I wasn't responding to her.  She thought I was dead so
she called 911.  I came to with Security Police swarming my house (my
hubby was in the Air Force and we were living on base).  Well, CPA got
called in on what was going on that day.  That morning I went to my bed
and fell across it sobbing and begging God to please not let them take
my kids away from me.  For that to happen would mean the end of me.  I
didn't think I could live with that.  I told Him I would do anything if
He wouldn't let my children be taken from me.  On the morning of
November 26, 1997, hurting and in pain, I went online and I believe it
was God that led me to the AA chatroom I found that morning.  I unloaded
my burdens to those folks in that room that morning and they told me
about AA.  They road my butt for me to go to a Face To Face meeting and
to get a sponsor.  I will never forget them for that.  I went to my
first AA meeting December 2, 1997 in New Jersey.  There I found people
who understood me and told my story.  I had found a home.  I had very
brief periods of being sober after that - anywhere from 3 weeks to a
month at a time.  I continued to go to meetings whether I was drinking
or not.  I had a few different sponsors for a few different reasons.  I
worked the Steps - so I thought.  I could never get and stay sober for
more than a month though.  I created Tammy's AA Links the first of
1998.  Hubby got out of the service the summer of '98 and we moved back
to North Carolina.  I thought maybe moving back to my home state of NC I
maybe could finally get sober and stay sober but that didn't happen to
start with.  I started drinking again while we were moving after having
been sober for about 3 weeks.    I started going to AA meetings in
Raleigh, NC soon after we moved there in August of '98.  On the night of
September 27, 1999, my hubby and I got into a big fight which was
because of my drinking.  I didn't take a drink on September 28, 1999 nor
for 5 months after that date.  Those were the best 5 months I had ever
had in my life.  I created Tammy's Daily Readings the January, 2000.
Then we found a house in February, 2000 and bought it in March, 2000 and
I started drinking again the first of March, 2000 right before we were
to move to our new home.  I dranked everyday from the last of March till
11pm June 22nd, 2000 except for Mother's Day because I had a terrible
stomach virus that day.   During those 4 months of drinking I was so
very lonely, miserable, hopeless, helpless, hurting and hated myself.  I
wanted my life back that I had found during those 5 months I was sober
prior to my starting back drinking but I just couldn't stop myself
drinking.  One night I called my sponsor and some other people in AA, I
was drinking and wanted desperately to stop.  My sponsor told me to call

911 and the others told me to call them back the next day.  I called 911
and begged for them to come and get me, to take me to treatment but they
wouldn't come get me.  I just wanted someone to strap me down somewhere
so I wouldn't drink.  Afterwards I was in a drunken rage and ripped up
my Big Book, 12 & 12, and As Bill Sees It books ranting that no one
could help me - no one but God.  I prayed to God at times during those 4
months to please help me.  Others were praying for me also. On the night
of June 22nd, 2000 I had been drinking for several hours and running up
the phone bill as usual.  At 11pm that night I was so sick and tired and
disgusted with myself once again.  I stopped drinking and made some
coffee and went online to an AA chatroom that I visited often seeking
help once again.  There was a lady there that I knew, she said she
usually wasn't there at that time of the night.  I sought her out and we
chatted in PC.  She said she could call me or I could call her.  I
called her at about 11:30pm.  We talked until 3:30am June 23rd, 2000.  I
drank coffee the whole time.  I told her of my desire to stop drinking
and that I didn't want it taking something drastic happening again to
make me stop.  She encouraged me many times while we talked to come back
to AA.  When we finished talking at 3:30am I was committed at that time
to once again stop drinking.  After we hung up, I was on my way to bed
when my oldest daughter (who was now 11) got up and she
couldn't sleep.  I told we could watch TV together.  While watching TV
my heart started to race and I was having some difficulty breathing.
Thinking it was an anxiety attack, I did the things I knew to do to try
to make it stop.  I started to shake some.  After about 30 minutes and
not getting any better, I called my sponsor.  This was about 4am.  I
told her what was going on.  I did the things she suggested but I was
only getting worse.  I hung up with her at about 4:30am telling her I
knew what I needed to do - call 911.  I called 911 and also my hubby (he
was out of town on business in Chicago).  I told him an ambulance was on
its way for me.  I called a neighbor to watch our kids.  Before the
ambulance got there, my oldest daughter asked me if I wanted her to pour
out all of my beer which was alot (we alkies always have to make sure we
have plenty when we are drinking) and I told her yes and she did.  The
ambulance came - my heart rate and blood pressure were very high and
after they put me in the ambulance I started convulsing.  They had to
strap me down to the gurney.  That was a very long ride to the
hospital.  I had told the attendants that I was an alcoholic and had
been drinking the night before.  We finally arrived at the hospital.
They stuck me in a corner alone.  They checked on me periodically.  At
one point they closed the curtains around me.  I laid there listening to
my heart race and convulsing terribly.  I heard other people walking by,
talking and laughing, and wishing I was one of them.  I was so very
afraid I was dying.  My life played before my eyes.  I was only 38.  I
thought of my 3 young girls, my hubby, mom, family and friends.  At one
point I yelled out which was more like a whisper because I was so
exhausted, "Lord Jesus, please help me.  I know what I need to do.
Please don't let me die this way."  I had been told I might have to stay
in the hospital for 1-2 weeks.  I couldn't keep track of time but heard
someone say it was 8:30am.  Quite a while after that, I was finally
wheeled down to a room with a curtain at the end of it.  My heart rate
and blood pressure were still high and I was still convulsing terribly.
I felt so powerless.  I had no control over my body.  Finally the doctor
came, I told him I was an alcoholic and had been drinking that night and
the time I had stopped.  He ordered some breakfast for me to eat and I
did.  Afterwards I was given a shot of librium.  In a little while I
started feeling some better - dozing off and on.  I was finally able to
get up and go to the bathroom though a little wobbly and weak still.
What a gift!  Around 1:30pm the doctor came in and I asked him if I
could go home and he said yes.  My hubby had flown in from Chicago
during all this time and came straight to the hospital ASAP.  I walked
out of that hospital by the grace of God at 3:30pm and went home.  I was
so very glad to be back home.  I didn't think I was going back home
earlier that day.  My mom and father-in-law where at our home with our
kids.  I was so very happy to see them all.  My mom said I looked like
death walking in the door.  It took over a month before I started
feeling better physically.  I have thanked my oldest daughter many times
for that phone call she made on the morning of November 24, 1997.  I
told her it was because of her doing that that I was finally able to
seek help for myself.  I was back to going to meetings a week
afterwards.  I called my sponsor everyday.  I work and live the Steps
everyday.  God and my sobriety became my priority on June 23rd, 2000 and
have been everyday since.  I have been sober and clean ever since by the
grace of God, AA, the Fellowship, many prayers and love, support and
encouragement of family and friends.  My life was once all about
drinking - today it is all about recovery, everyday - one day at a
time.  My life today is great and better than I ever thought possible. I
have been given a 2nd chance and enjoy everyday living life to the
fullest.  AA - it works if you work it and don't drink.  Trust God,
Clean House and Help Others.  One day at a time.  I am very grateful for
the new life I have today.  I try to carry the message of the hope and
promise of a new life that I found with God and AA.  Thank you, God!!!
Thank you for letting me share!

May God Bless You and Keep You!
Tammy aka bluidkiti