Carol(87)
DOS 7-16-87
 
 

I grew up a sickly child with rheumatic fever and asthma,
an overly protective mother and a father who loved to drink ..
all of which was to blame for why I was so dysfunctional
myself!!  Nothing was ever my fault.   At the same time,
I had zero self-esteem; the only time I felt like I was
SOMEBODY was when I was drinking.   As I remember it,
I was obnoxious and loud, saw myself as the life of the party.
As a result of growing up in such a dysfunctional home, one
day I found myself in a 12 Step program devoted to
people just like me.   People who were blaming
everyone else and not accepting responsibility for their own
actions.  I stayed there for almost two years and a part of
that time was well spent since it did eventually help
me deal with some of the childhood issues.  But then came the
day I realized alcohol was becoming very important to me …
to the extent that I panicked if my liquor supply was
low.  I started drinking at home by myself at exactly the same time
every day until I either passed out or blacked out.   That
doesn't even cover the times I drank in the bars and don’t
remember getting home.   So I made a decision that WHEN the
scotch/wine was gone (no thought of pouring it down the
drain), I would stop drinking.   I did that and was SO
miserable, I wasn't drinking, I had no idea what to do with myself,
didn't understand what I was feeling.   And the times
I white knuckled it past the liquor store are so scary.
I even tried the so-called non-alcoholic wines.   Whatever
kept me sober, I don’t know.   I did that for seven LONG
miserable months until finally, one day after I had
been asked repeatedly, I said “Yes” I will go to the Saturday Noon
meeting of AA with you.  That is the day my life started changing.
I wanted what I saw in those rooms ~~ especially the
LAUGHTER!   But I had no idea how to get it and I spent the first
three years in AA questioning whether I was or was not alcoholic.
After all, I WAS different.   My concept of an alcoholic was of the
skid row type;  I did not fit that image.  I had not lost a job, had
not had a DWI, had never been arrested ... all things
I was sure were necessary to qualify. But some invisible
force kept me coming back (God?), the third tradition was my lifeline.
But I was not about to let you know who I was so I went to mega speaker
meetings so I wouldn't have to share, refused to get a sponsor
for a very long time, ignored the steps and questioned
whether or not I fit for way too long. Finally someone got tired of my litany
and led me to the following page in the BB that answered
all of my questions.

"Could I be an alcoholic without some of the hair-raising
experiences I had heard of in meetings? The answer came to me very
simply in the first step of the Twelve Steps of AA.
'We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -
that our lives had become unmanageable.'
This didn't say we had to be in jail, ten, fifty, or
one hundred times. It didn't say I had to lose
one, five or ten jobs. It didn't say I had to lose my
family. It didn't say I had to finally live on
skid row and drink bay rum, canned heat or lemon
extract. It did say 'admitted I was powerless over alcohol;
that my life had become unmanageable.'

"Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol, and for me,
my life had become unmanageable.  It wasn't how far I had gone,
but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what
alcohol had done to me and would continue to do
if I didn't have help."- excerpt page 379,
Alcoholics Anonymous, Third Edition, page 354, Fourth Edition

Today I have no doubts that I am alcoholic.  I have God
in my life, work the steps, chair an average of two meetings
a week, still go to at least four meetings a week, cannot imagine
life without a sponsor ~~ especially the one I have
today, and I sponsor others.  My only regret
is that I wasted so much time questioning what I
was when I could have been in recovery.
In other words, I could have been "IN" AA instead
"AROUND" AA.   If there is such a person,
then, Yes, I qualify as a high bottom drunk and I am so
glad I do!!  Because without this program,
I would not be here today, I would have drank myself
to an early death I'm sure.  I have been
through the death of both of my parents, a battle
with cancer, and other medical and personal
problems … all during sobriety …. without taking a drink.

If you are new and reading this wondering if you
belong, just remember this from the
above quote from the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous:

"It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed.
It was important to me to see what alcohol had
done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help."