Another sad and lonely night
The void unbearable
Lucidity and regret scratch at my mind
Like two unexpected houseguests
Showing up after a decade abroad
Like two sides of the same coin
The currency that of my psyche

Fear, doubt, anger, loss
Intermingle to form a tapestry of melancholy
Which blankets me in a cloud of depression

I know what I must do
Yet am unable to propel myself
Into the world of action and endeavor

I prefer to lie in the dark
The shadows so comforting
Friends from years past have children of their own
My only offspring is a legacy of abuse and addiction
Instantly invoked when my name or likeness takes the stage

Two months now I dwell in the House of Truth
No easy task when you built a facade of lies
At its crumbling within its walls expired my future

Finis

I wrote that last night on, of all things, a video game message board.  Yes,
my life is that empty.

My name is Raj, and I am an alcoholic.  My addiction consisted of five to
seven beers every evening (about 23-27 nights/month) for seven years.

I have spent a great deal of time analyzing my alcoholism, whether it
qualifies as such, how, why and what caused it and how it can be fixed.  The
one thing I have finally learned, accepted, and taken to heart is not to
analyze any further and simply commit my mind and body to complete sobriety
and to change my thinking to fit and enhance a clean and sober life.  This is
good news for you, the reader, because it saves you from having to read a
gazillion details, excuses, rationalizations, and pretexts that supposedly
explain why I got drunk every night for years.  Yay for you.

The entire year of 2002, for me, has been a poignant case study in human
willpower and its susceptibility and fragility.  I have done NOTHING the
entire year, and I mean that in the truest and most basic sense possible,
except resolve not to drink, and I failed many times, though it was a tiny
fraction of my drinking in prior years.  I compiled pie charts, graphs,
spreadsheets of my drinking this year many times on paper at my dining table,
to understand it better.  Even now, I am still confused as to how someone who
had never had a single legal, school, or work-related issue related to alcohol
is so obsessed with his drinking and has to expend so much energy to simply
not drink.

I have concluded that because my life is the empty shell that it is, either I
don't have the courage or stamina to make the changes I should, and therefore
scapegoat alcohol, or that I really don't know how to think, analyze, and
perceive like a normal person, and sobriety will remedy this.  Whatever, I
mentioned at the outset that I'm tired and don't like to think too much
anymore, so I'm going to wrap this up here.

Right now, my focus in life is to remain totally clean and sober, and hope
that my thinking changes to where I don't use any drug in any form ever
again.  My aim is sobriety, I have two months under my belt tomorrow as well
as the track record of drinking nineteen times (six pack each time) from jan
to aug of this year.  I only cite that to point out that it's not a case where
I was getting blitzed everyday on vodka until 2 months ago, and now I think I
can talk smack.  Not like that at all.  Even in my drinking days, I was never
violent, confrontational.  Just read a book and passed out, always.

I look forward to reading your stories and sharing mine.

Raj