I'm a alcoholic. Grateful to be alive and sober today.
I`m a addict too.If I had sex one more time when
I was drinking,I would have
been a sex addict too!

Well, here's how it all began.
I grew up in a rural area of N.C., the youngest of seven
children.Mom and Dad didn`t drink.I never recalled
seeing Mom drink,but Dad did in his later years.
There wasn't much to do growing up in the
country, so I went hunting, fished, hung around
with my cousin at his Dad's farm, went to church
on Sunday, and  School during the week. We
were poor and lived in a 3 room house a long way
from a old dirt road . We didn't have a bathroom
in the house, and had a old  outdoor " Johnny House".
As a boy,life seemed good and bright.I was a happy
kid,untill I hit those early teen years.I was sexually
abused by a older man  for 2 years ,who was not
a family member.I felt scared,and not worthy of being
happy or being loved anymore.I thought it was
my fault and I was bad.I didn`t
tell anyone.

As a young teenager, I was tall, skinny, bashful boy ,
and just could not talk to the girls, also I had a
terrible feeling of just not fitting in with the
other kids. One day ,my cousin and I sneaked in his
house and stole a can of beer from his Dad's fridge.
I just followed along ,going with the "crowd". The
stuff tasted terrible. A sip or two was all I had. Well, a
few months later, I started hanging around with a couple
of boys who went to the small local town on Friday and
Saturday nights to the skating rink. We would go skating
for a while, and then hang around outside with the older
guys. We thought we were big shots then. One night ,my
friends had a older guy take us to the beer store and we
got a 6pack. I drank 2 -16 oz buds and only remember
bits and pieces of what happened. The main thing
was, I had found a friend that night, alcohol... it made
me feel ok,that I was as good as anyone else... When
I drank alcohol, I was no longer shy or bashful or
afraid. So that's how I found alcohol, my new friend.

I had a lot of fun drinking for a long time. It also helped
me to find a lot of jails. My first drinking started off on
Friday and Saturday nights and slowly progressed into
Thursdays, and Sundays, then everyday of the week. I
was using drugs also, and at times I just could not seem
to get high enough. I could not run far away from
reality ,no matter how much I used, or drank. I did things
while drunk and when I sobered up,I was ashamed. By
the time I was 25 years old, I had been to jail more times
than I could remember, served 12 years probation,
could not hold down a steady job, made a
geographical change to another State, just to fall
into a group of guys just like I left behind in NC, ended
up in jail, and the same old cycle over and over with different
faces. I was starting to think I was doomed to live this way.
 

I met a great lady in Florida in 1976 and we clicked right
away.We walked on the beach that first night and I knew
I was in trouble.She made my heart do a flip ( or two ).She
was from Ohio,her name was Pam,& a good gal and when
she went back to Ohio,she wrote me and invited me up.  I
went without thinking twice about it.I arrived at about 7
or 8 one morning and her brother in law met me at the door
and we started drinking.He was my kind of fellow.She had 3
beautiful little girls.I really liked them all and wanted to spend
my life with them.I was a irresponsible,immature little kid who
had a drinking/drug problem and that was not good.I also
didn`t know how to love a woman and treat a good lady.
Relationships were not my strong suite.

I had trouble finding work,so I eventually called my old boss
in NC and he said to come back and he would put me to
work.I came back to NC intending to send or go get Pam
and the girls.But drugs and alcohol got me along with that
old crowd ,and with every drink I took,Pam got smaller and
the next drink got bigger and better.I tryed to drink my guilt
away,but they don`t make that much booze.Pam and I
drifted away and I lost touch with her.I felt so guilty over
that,because I loved her,and I didn`t know how to love her.
That was 1976.

In 1979,I met a girl ,16 years old ,from a small local town.
5 days later, my mom died from cancer, and left a big void
in my life that I tried to fill up with that girl. 6 months later
Danette and I were married. I thought that if I tried to settle
down and do right, everything would be OK. At first it was,
only I tried controlled drinking. I would go on binges several
times a year for several days. As time went by, the binges
happened every month, then weekly. In 1983,we had a 1 year
old baby,and I took my wife and 1 year old son to her moms
and kicked them out.I was messing around with other women
and drugs and alcohol was my prime directive.They were
getting in the way of my drinking.Well,we went back together
and not much changed.Finally, in 1987,I was getting drunk at
least 5 times a week ,till I passed out. I was also shooting up
cocaine, something I said I would never do. I thought that if
I was dead ,my wife and son would be better off. I was just
fired from a job and got a DWI from a highway patrolman in
July ,1987, and was feeling lower than ever before. I had promised
my wife I would go to a AA meeting the next night, but when
time rolled around, I tried to back out. She wouldn't let me.

I sat during the meeting and disliked some things that were
said, but liked some others.  When the meeting was almost over,
they offered the chips, and I got a white chip, I swear I didn't
stand up to get it, something picked me up by the seat of the
pants!! I went to a noon meeting the next day and a Sunday
night meeting also. I was scared, I had to go to work the next
day, and go by all the bars on the way home, the bars I just
could not seem to pass up, as if they had a mighty power over me.
 

I asked God to help me get home without drinking that day.
And he did. The next year in AA, I had a lot of slips, I tried
every crutch I could find, near beer, pot, everything, but
working the program. My last drunken binge came in late July,
1988. On August 6,1988 I picked up my last white chip, to date,
and started to listen to my sponsor and do like he said. I started
getting better, my life was getting better, and I seemed to
awake one day and I could not remember the last time I really
wanted to drink!! I was on step three then.Life started then!
 

I had to " throw away every concept of God and church and
religion "and start fresh.... When I did, I prayed more willingly,
to a God who seemed like a Father to me instead of a Judge.
I had a lot of guilt and remorse,most of which left as I worked
on the steps, to make them a living part of my life on a daily basis.
 

In 2002,after 14 years of soberiety,I started having problems
concerning Pam and the past guilt and the way I had done
her and the girls.I was restless and had trouble sleeping. I prayed
and talked about it to several friends in AA.

I started looking for her after 26 yrs to see about making amends.
Well,after 3 months of searching,I found her.She allowed me to
make amends and we had a good talkover the phone and
a good cry too.

God has restored a broken friendship of 26 years,praise God.
Danette has been so very supportive of this so far and she is a
real angel.God`s grace is suffucient!Danette is a great Al-Anon
and I try and show her a good amount of respect,which she
deserves today.She also is a great wife,mother,and my best
friend who knows everything there is to know about me.She said,
I loved you like you were,like you are today and for who you can be
tomorrow!  What can a drunk say to that?

My life is full of miracles toady.It's nothing I did, but my higher power
(GOD, as I understand Him), working through AA people like yourself
that saved my life, marriage, family. For that ,I am grateful. My life has
a few problems, but nothing today I have to drink over, AA has given
me a choice. Thanks to AA!!!.
 

I see my life today as this: I AM THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE, I HAVE A HOME, A
GOOD WIFE-DANETTE-, AND 2 GOOD CHILDREN, JOE AND MELISSA,GOOD
AA FRIENDS,MY HEALTH,AND SOBERIETY.

WHAT MORE CAN A MAN ASK FOR? I AM MOST BLESSED!!

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE
TOMMY H